Posts Tagged ‘Stop Avoiding Conflict: Learn to Address Disputes Before They Erupt’
Tick.. Tick.. Tick – Addressing Time Management Difference before they Explode.
One of the ways my husband Bernard and I differ is our time-management skills. I always get things completed on time or earlier; same goes for arriving at appointments and events. Bernard, on the other hand, is usually if not always late on getting things completed and arriving at places. The difference between our time-management skills has always been something we have been aware of, and it has always driven me nuts.
When we began dating, Bernard would tell me he would be at my house at 7:30 to pick me up and then wouldn’t show up until almost 8:00, this drove me crazy. I would become angry because I felt like he didn’t value my time. There were some instances where I would stop what I was doing to get ready and then I would find myself waiting around for him when I could have prolonged getting ready a little longer. I also became annoyed because I didn’t have control over when he would get there. Even if I sent him a dozen reminder text messages, he still was in control of when he arrived. Since I am a bit of a control-freak, this never sat well with me.
After fighting about his tardiness on several occasions, I decided to make some changes as these fights would often put a damper on the evening or cause stress and tension between us. I started adding fifteen to twenty minutes onto when he said he’d arrive and using my fixed time rather than the time he gave me to determine when I’d start getting ready. So if he’d say he would be there by 7:30, I would start getting ready at 7:30 and prepare for him to arrive at 7:50ish. The other change I made was I started driving to his house so that I could be more in control of the situation.
The difference in our time-management skills also came very much to light when we were getting ready to send out our wedding invitations. We assigned one another different tasks to complete for the wedding and Bernard was in charge of the wedding invitations. I am the type of person that enjoys completing tasks ahead of schedule so that I can cross it off my list and relieve some of the stress from my life. Bernard is a procrastinator. Therefore, when the deadline was quickly approaching to send out our invitations and Bernard had not begun to complete the task I became very frustrated.
I became disgruntled because I had asked him if he wanted me to do the wedding invitations since he was busy with work and he told me no that he still wanted to do them. He continued to put off the invitations until the last minute, rather than asking for help which increased tension between us. Now, I am aware I could have just jumped in and completed the task myself and saved he and I both from a lot of tension, however, my “micromanaging” had been a heavily discussed topic throughout our engagement, so I was trying not to do that.
While our invitations were sent out by the date, we assigned, Bernard didn’t complete them until the evening before they were due out. In this scenario, neither of us utilized excellent conflict-management skills; we fought every day up until we mailed the invitations. In hindsight, I can say we should have established better expectations as to when and how the invitations should be done. I should have expressed to Bernard how much stress the situation was causing me, without blaming him. Bernard should have expressed how overwhelmed he was with work so that we could have reevaluated our wedding task list.
Differing time-management skills no matter who it is with can cause turmoil. It is important to recognize when it is a trigger and what solutions can help manage it.
If you would like more time-management strategies, check out our latest program with Helene Segura .
Abigail R.C. McManus
Apprentice
Conflict Chat with….Pattie Porter, Tracy Culbreath King and Abigail R.C. McManus
Got Conflict? If you have a conflict with someone and are not sure how to handle it, then let us know. Here is your opportunity to ask your question with Conflict Management experts who are mediators, conflict coaches and facilitators on how to think about, analyze or resolve your situation.
Think about it. Are you currently engaged in an active conflict with your co-workers or boss? Ignoring your neighbor because of a conversation you don’t want to have? In a disagreement with your spouse? Or simply afraid to bring up a concern with a friend in fear of stirring up problems.
Discussions Topics:
Negative Wedding Vendor Review
Demanding Bride
Tips From The Wedding Lawyer On Preventing And Handling Wedding Conflicts
Christie Asselin, the blogger and attorney behind YourWeddingLawyer.com will share tips designed to help engaged couples prevent and handle conflicts with wedding vendors. Christie has a background in business disputes and consumer law, and loves event planning and weddings. Her mission is to educate and empower engaged couples with legal know-how.
Common Conflicts and Peace Practices for Engaged or Newlywed Couples
Are you currently, or soon to be, an Engaged or Newlywed Couple? While this is an exciting time, it can also bring certain stresses that can be difficult to navigate. We will discuss common conflicts you may experience in your relationship at this stage, as well as peace practices and prevention techniques. Join us to learn valuable tips to help you maintain the relationship of a lifetime!
Maintaining Friendships in Adulthood – The Ups and Downs of Growing up
Muhammad Ali said, ” Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything“.
It took me a long time to truly understand the meaning of friendship. It wasn’t until I was in my late teens/ early twenties that I found a great group of friends that I could lean on and that had my back no matter what. A group of people that accepted me for who I was and never judged me. After a while, the lines between friends and family blurred, and they became one in the same.
When you are younger, your entire world seems to revolve around your buddies. But as we get older life happens, our responsibilities change, we grow up. Hanging out and interacting with our friends is no longer the top priority in our lives.
Recently, I have been feeling a little down about this realization. I have found myself feeling frustrated by my group of friends diminished time together. Though I continuously remind myself that this is how it goes, it doesn’t make it any less painful. I also have found myself becoming resentful because every time I attempt to make plans, I get a thousand reasons why they can’t get together and no solutions.
I recognize my feelings of frustration and resentment. I also acknowledge the vengeful part of me that wants to respond with a thousand reasons why I can’t get together next time they make a suggestion. However, that will not make things better.
So what I can I do to address this potential conflict in my life?
- Recognize my emotions, feelings, and shortcomings. The only way to grow and change is to be more self-aware. By looking inwards and holding myself accountable to even the negative emotions I am feeling is the first step to actually making changes.
- Manage expectations. I think part of my feelings stems from high expectations. I think I expected us to continue hanging out like we always had. I didn’t account for life happening. I have to remind myself that as we get older things will change, we may not be able to see each other all the time, and that is okay! It makes the time we do get to see each other that more special.
- Speak Up. My friends won’t know I am upset unless I speak up and voice my concerns. I have a rule that if you don’t communicate it you can’t be upset about it and carry it around. Approaching them in a non-aggressive way and use “I” statements instead of “You” statements can assist in alleviating the frustration I feel. Instead of saying, “You never answer your phone when I text you to hang out.” I could say, “I feel frustrated that every time I try to make plans to hang out I don’t get a response from you.”
Friendships are hard work and like any relationship they take time and energy to maintain, but if you know the meaning of friendship you know how important they are to your life.
Have a Good Weekend,
Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Apprentice
Rising to the Bait – Addressing the Instigator
I am someone who has buttons that are very easily pushed depending on the subject matter. It is evident when someone is getting a rise out of me, which is why certain people in my life seem to enjoy doing it. These people I like to call “instigators.” The Cambridge Dictionaries Online defines an instigator as, “a person who causes something to happen, especially something bad.”
When I was going through my teenage years, my father was the instigator. He and I would bicker over just about everything during those years. I remember after my dad, and I’s disagreements my mother would say to me, “Abby you need to not rise to the bait, that is what he wants.” But, I never listened and to this day, I hear her voice in my head when someone touches a nerve – “Abby you need to NOT rise to the bait, that is what they want.”
I know it is still easy to tell when someone is pushing my buttons by the look on my face – I still struggle to control and neutralize my facial reactions. However, I believe I have a better understanding of how to handle these situations when someone is pushing my buttons better than my teenage self.
First, recognize your triggers. Be aware of the subject matters that you are most passionate about – you can tell which ones they are by your physical response when they are brought up. When someone brings up any topic on the subject of males vs. females and shows favoritism towards the male perspective, I feel my face heat up and my jaw-clench.
The solution I use to calm my physical response to someone setting off my triggers is to focus on my breathing. I have found that this cools me down and allows me to think more clearly.
Second, recognize the instigator. If you have ever got into a heated exchange with this person before over this topic, or they have seen you engage with someone else, they are likely goading you. Individuals who instigate others feel rewarded when they have successfully set you off. Just like my Mom said, “It’s what they want.”
The solution I found the most success with is calling the person out in a non-aggressive manner. “Jack, I know you know this topic frustrates me, are you trying to push my buttons?” By pointing out what they are doing, removes their power. If they respond with “Yes,” then you can discuss why they enjoy pushing your buttons?
Third, consider your weaknesses. Some topics like religion, politics, and money can get people so riled up, and instigators enjoy doing it. Will you be able to talk about a subject constructively? What is the point of getting your point across to the instigator? Is it to change their mind or is it to have a good discussion?
The solution is to know when to switch topics or walk away. If a person continues to poke your buttons, make the decision to walk politely away. Or you can change the subject, “Jenny, I would prefer not to discuss this matter. But I was wondering, how did you enjoy the movie the other night?”
Don’t let yourself fall victim to the instigator!
Have a Good Weekend,
Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Apprentice
Did You See What She Posted? Options for How High School Students Can Respond to Negative Social Media Comments
When I graduated high school in 2007, social media was just starting to take off. My sophomore year of high school I created a MySpace page, which was the only social media outlet I had, and I could only visit it from my computer at home. Facebook didn’t come out until the beginning of my senior year, and it didn’t catch on in my high school until a couple of months before graduation. Twitter didn’t pick up speed until I was in college which was also when everyone started getting iPhones. Instagram and Snapchat didn’t exist. It is crazy that I only graduated nine years ago from high school, and my experience is so much more different than kids today.
When I was in school, and I got into a fight with a friend, we wouldn’t speak to each for the rest of the day. Perhaps we would call each other after school or get on AOL instant messenger and have a fight, but getting online and battling it out were still somewhat unfamiliar. Nowadays, you fight with a friend, and before you reach your next class, she could have already posted a status and tweeted about it.
High school was not my most favorite years – which are a sentiment many people share. High school was tough then. However, I don’t believe it is anywhere close to how tough it is now. Social media and smartphones have taken high school, bullying, and conflict to a whole new level.
Students have access to social media all throughout the school day and posting or tweeting negative remarks can be done quickly and easily, right from the palm of their hand. If you are a student, how can you respond to these negative and many times destructive comments?
- Approach your friend and talk about the post face-to-face. An intimidating idea, but social media networks and the internet provide anyone a platform to say things they may not have the courage to say otherwise. Ask to speak to your friend privately, and explain how the post made you feel and ask what the reason was for posting it to the world. Lastly, discuss what could be done to resolve the issue.
- Ignore it. If you don’t act like the comment or the post bothers you then, they are not receiving the reaction which is most likely what they want. By ignoring them, you are not giving their harmful words power.
- Kill them with kindness. My best friend, Maria is the nicest person you will ever meet, and she is kind to everyone. When another girl was acting nasty towards Maria rather than treating the girl in a mean way, Maria continued to be friendly. I asked Maria, “Why did you respond this way?” She said if you are nice to everyone regardless of what they say, then the person who makes negative comments or acts mean is the one that looks bad. Therefore, if someone comments or posts that the outfit you are wearing in a picture is hideous, you could respond with something neutral and friendly. For example: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve always thought you had excellent taste in clothes perhaps you could give me some pointers?”
- Talk to someone. I stress this point because many students today think if they tell someone they will look like a tattle-tale. However, if negative or destructive comments persist it is imperative that you tell a trusted adult, especially if you feel threatened.
- Limit or close your accounts. I am not suggesting you do this permanently – but not allowing people to have access to you will limit their ability to hurt you.
High school is just a small portion of your life – learning how to address negative and destructive posts and comments now, will prepare you for the real world later.
Have a Great Week,
Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Apprentice
The Gossip Grapevine – Putting a Halt to Damaging Behavior
Gossip and rumors. We see it portrayed in cartoons, played out in comedy sitcoms such as Modern Family, and listen to tunes such as “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” by singer Marvin Gaye. We even have gossip columns such as TMZ all in the name of finding the latest scoop. For the most part, we have this need to know.
Gossip takes many forms from amusing tidbits, exaggerated news, and misinterpreted information all of which gets passed quickly from person to person and in lighting speed through the social media networks.
And then, you have the insidious and negative rumors that often imply a more sinister motive. For example: “Hey, did you hear about Bob? I can’t believe they are promoting him. Don’t they see he is not a people person? He is a horrible supervisor. Management just won’t listen to us.”
When this kind of office gossip occurs in the workplace and gets out of hand, it can have a very destructive impact on employee morale, create a hostile work environment, and ultimately, damage a business’ reputation. Unfortunately, gossiping is a behavior that is here to stay. It is practically impossible to stop people from talking and sharing information.
So, what motivates people to gossip, especially when the gossip can be destructive or hurtful to the individual, team or organization?
Often, the unknown that comes as a result of change creates fear, anxiety and confusion. We feel the need to talk about the question “what’s going to happen to me?” to others as a way to deal with our anxieties and fears. Let’s take a look at what is happening all around the country – layoffs. For example, a company orchestrates a layoff. The employees know the layoff is coming, they even know the day and the time of the layoff. What they don’t know are the specifics mainly WHO. An employee overhears a manager talking about the details. Within two hours, some of the details spread throughout the company causing misunderstandings, panic, and unnecessary pain. The communication plan that was supposed to alleviate employee concerns and spare them unnecessary stress was defunct. Leadership had to shift from planning to crisis management in just a few hours.
Employees choose to gossip as a way to seek support, to feel justified or heard and to protect what they feel is threatened. In the case of a layoff, they want to protect their jobs. People who have the need to gossip are fulfilling an underlying need to talk about their concerns with someone they feel safe with and can trust. On the other hand, the compulsive “office gossip” who has earned a reputation as someone not to trust is fulfilling a need to feel important and to feel included when in reality their very actions prevent them from getting what they truly need and at a cost to others.
So, how can you distance yourself from the rumor mill? Don’t visit. It should be no surprise that it starts with you. If you want to stop the gossip grapevine from growing, you need to hold yourself accountable for your actions and stop engaging in gossip. How do you stop? The first key is to understand what motivates you to gossip about others or to listen to gossip. What do you gain by doing this? Answer this honestly.
The second key is to go to the source of information to stop the grapevine from growing. If you hate the destructive nature of gossip, and you want to see it stopped, choose to address your concerns directly with the right person. In the case of a layoff, the best thing to do is talk with your manager or Human Resources. If you hear negative things are about you, consider going directly to the person who said them. It can be an especially scary thing to do if you don’t like confrontation.
Here are some steps to address the person who is the source of gossip directly and productively.
- Don’t assume what you heard through the rumor mill is what was said or intended from the source.
- Reflect on what you heard that causes concern. Why is it a concern? Once you identify this, you will be better equipped to voice your concerns.
- Ask the person who was the source of gossip for time to talk. Barging into someone’s office or cubicle without warning does not create a safe atmosphere to talk.
- Approach the person without attacking or blaming. Don’t start the conversation with “Stop spreading rumors about me that are not true.” Instead, you might say “I heard some things that upset me, and I need to talk with you about it.”
- Clearly communicate your concern using I-statements such as “I am concerned about losing my job based on what I heard. I need to get accurate information.” Or, “What I told you was in confidence, and now, people are misinterpreting the situation.”
Patricia M. Porter
Founder and Host
The Texas Conflict Coach®
Conflict Chat with….Pattie Porter, Tracy Culbreath King and Abigail McManus
Got Conflict? If you have a conflict with someone, and are not sure how to handle it, then let us know. Here is your opportunity to ask your question with Conflict Management experts who are mediators, conflict coaches and facilitators on how to think about, analyze or resolve your situation.
Think about it. Are you currently engaged in an active conflict with your co-workers or boss? Ignoring your neighbor because of a conversation you don’t want to have? In a disagreement with your spouse? Or simply afraid to bring up a concern with a friend in fear of stirring up problems.
“How does the ignorance of Muslim customs and beliefs, along with the fear of Arabic speaking individuals impact how we engage with these differences? Read about the recent incidents of fear-based discrimination on popular Southwest Airlines in the U.S.”
Discussion Topics:
- “Southwest Airlines draws outrage over man removed for speaking Arabic,” The Guardian, Apr 16, 2016
- “Muslim woman kicked off plane as flight attendant said she ‘did not feel comfortable’ with the passenger,” The Independent, Apr 15, 2016
- “I used to be a flight attendant. Dealing with passengers’ racism is part of the job”.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Resolving money disputes with family, friends and neighbors
Do you and your spouse spend differently? Fighting with siblings about inheritance? Can’t decide how to split costs with a neighbor? Going out with friends who don’t pay their fair share? Money is a common source of disagreement. Listen to Linda Gryczan and Tracy Culbreath King, and learn how to uncover and resolve the real issue behind money disputes.
