Blaming and Shaming Language – Stop The Shoulding

Illustration depicting an aerosol can with a blame remover concept.

Quick Tips We can stop “shoulding” on people by:

• Changing our language – use “I” instead of “you” when addressing issues
• Accepting ownership for our own actions
• Turning negative self-talk into positive thoughts about ourselves

Key Question: How do I stop “shoulding” on people?

What is “shoulding?”

“You should have taken out the garbage before you went to work.”  “You should have checked the oil before you drove it.”  “You should have told her to bug off.”  Sound familiar?

Why we “should” on others

Unfulfilled expectations can be disheartening and damaging.  When things that we anticipate don’t come true, things come crashing down around us.  We have put too much of our success, happiness and needs on the shoulders of others.  When we are not happy, we tell ourselves it is their fault. They should do something different.

The effect of “shoulding”

Just hearing the word “should” places people in the position to justify, defend or retaliate.  “Shoulding” is blaming language and conveys a tone and attitude of judgment, disappointment or disapproval. This language can initiate or intensify conflict.

Replace “shoulding”

Use language that clearly conveys your needs and feelings in a way that you will be heard.  Avoid accusing others. Start sentences with “I” vs. “You.”

Instead of saying,  “You should have been straight with us.”

Say, “I am really angry and I need to understand what happened.”

Take responsibility:

Notice what “should” implies.  It implies some need that is not being met.  Dig deeper and ask what you are really upset about.

Shoulding can be blaming on everyone else rather than accepting responsibility for ourselves.  We can always take responsibility for our response.

Be Specific

Be very clear about what concerns you.  Avoid using “you,” speak from your own perspective.

Instead of saying:  “I felt really frustrated when you….”

Say:  “I felt really frustrated when “x” happened and the reason I was frustrated is that it undermined my authority.”

End with a Resolution Request

End with a request prevent conflict in the future.

Say:  “How can we handle this differently in the future? 

Or: “How can I prevent this in the future?”

Your Assignment

An assignment that can help you avoid “shoulding” on people:

• Count and note the number of “shoulds” you hear this week.
• Make a mental note of how people react if you or someone else “shoulds” on them

To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire podcast, Stop Shoulding on People  https://www.texasconflictcoach.com/2010/stop-shoulding-on-people/

Patricia “Pattie” Porter, LCSW, ABW, AAP

The Texas Conflict Coach