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Decoding the Communication between Women and Men

TC Blog 8 Men and Women Communication (delete)Communication can be challenging regardless of whether you are communicating with your friends, family members, co-workers or boss. But why do we appear to have such a difficult time communicating with the opposite sex? Regardless of a person’s ethnicity, race, or sex, people converse using verbal and nonverbal communication.

What is the communication challenge?
Verbal communication can be heard by another. It involves communicating a message using words. When you are communicating orally or verbally you are sending your message by speaking to the other person. On several occasions during conversations I have had with my brothers, male friends, or significant other, they have checked-out. Their eye’s glaze over and they are no longer listening to a word I am saying. Several of my female friends have also had similar complaints. If the incident happens repeatedly, it can cause conflict within those relationships. The main complaints I’ve heard and experienced from other women is that they feel ignored by the male and wonder if what they have to say is unimportant.

Why does this happen?
This happens because women and men have different goals and expectations and therefore communicate differently. Women see communication as a way to express themselves and their emotions, and share their experiences with others as a way to build rapport. Men see communication as a way to problem-solve, which may then lead to an action.

What is Nonverbal Communication?
Nonverbal Communication uses body language to send a message without the use of words. These actions can be:
o Facial Expressions
o Tone
o Posture
o Attitude

Women are often expressive with their use of nonverbal communication. Women tend to use physical contact, such as a hug, or the squeeze of an arm or shoulder. Women also use their hands to emphasize what they are conveying in their message. Men, however, tend to be less skilled in using subtle body language such as leaning forward, nodding, or titling their head to show they are engaged in the conversation. A key to men’s non-verbal communication is found in their posture.

Two examples of posture are:
o Standing straight with arms parallel to torso – Shows openness and willingness to talk.
o Hands behind the back with palms on hips – Displays a desire for something to end or be finished.

How can Nonverbal Communication be helpful?
Nonverbal communication can be helpful during a conversation by:
• Providing feedback to the person speaking that you are listening. For example, nodding your head in understanding.
• Providing a window into their emotions. Is the listener smiling, frowning, or perhaps shrugging their shoulders?

Scenario: I am sharing my experience about how my job interview went and twenty minutes into sharing, my brother’s eyes glaze over. What do I do now?

For Women:

  • Observe the facial expressions and then acknowledge it has been 20 minutes. Check-in with him to see if he has more time to listen. Remember KISS (Keep it short and simple)
  • Verbally communicate what you need from him before you share your experience with the job interview. For example, “I really need to talk to you about my job interview and get your feedback.” Remember, men are action-oriented in their goal of communication. Give them something to do as they listen to your story.

For Men:

  • Consider these questions:
    • Has your attention started to drift?
    • Is there something distracting you from listening?
    • Why have you checked out?
  • Remind yourself why you are listening by asking her what she needs from you while you are listening
  • Acknowledge or validate her by simply saying “I hear how excited you are about the interview.”

Women and men communicate differently both verbally and nonverbally. But if you go into your next conversation aware of what the differences are, potential conflicts can be avoided. To further understand the differences in male/female communication and to learn further tools and strategies, tune in to Gregg Catalano’s podcast That’s Not What I Meant! on the Texas Conflict Coach® website.

By Tracy Culbreath
Graduate Student, University of Baltimore – Negotiation and Conflict Management Program

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“Actions Speak Louder”: How Nonverbal Social Skills Affect Kids Conflicts

Many kids don’t know “the language of social success” — how to send and receive nonverbal communication that helps them make friends and manage their social relationships. They are often isolated and targeted for teasing and bullying. We can help you to identify these children and give you resources to teach them how to use nonverbal communication more effectively.


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Back to Conflict Basics – September Series

The Texas Conflict Coach™ blog talk radio show announces its Back to Conflict Basics series for September. This series is intended to educate consumers and the public with the basics to managing conflict.

We appreciate you spreading the word.

The Texas Conflict Coach blog talk radio show will host a number of special guests.

When: Every Tuesday evening

Time: 5:00-5:30 pm PST/ 7:00-7:30 pm CST/8:00-8:30 pm EST

How: Call in live at 347-324-3591

Listen live and join the chat at www.blogtalkradio.com/texas-conflict-coach

Listen to archive shows or learn more at www.texasconflictcoach.com

September 6 – What Gives Conflict a Bad Name?

Susan Shearouse, author of Conflict 101: A Manager’s Guide to Resolving Problems So Everyone Can Get Back to Work will discuss the stumbling blocks to resolving conflict effectively and the strategies for addressing conflict at various escalation points.

September 13 – The Science and Fun of Nonverbal Communication

Jeff Thompson, a New York Police Detective and mediator, will address the nonverbal cues in body language and gestures that impact our communications. Learn about some fun facts and his METTA acronym to nonverbal cues.

September 20 – Beyond Fight or Flight: Making Different Choices to How We Approach Conflict

Zena Zumeta, special guest host of the Texas Conflict Coach and I (Pattie Porter-Host) will go beyond the instinctual fight or flight responses to when we feel threatened and examine other choices we can make.

September 27 – How to Have Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Randy Mayes, Executive Coach, addresses crucial conversations and how It approaches the issue in a very human way that stimulates our desire to relate to others while feeling good about us. There are real and concrete methods for getting control of yourself and staying focused through those challenging moments that pop up in everyone’s life.

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The Science & Fun Of Nonverbal Communcation

 Body Language and gestures are fun to talk about yet also have a significant impact during our interactions with others.  As conflict and communication specialists, it is important for us to be aware of our nonverbal cues as well as those used by others.  This includes negotiation and mediations sessions and the work of ombuds and conflict coaches. Jeff Thompson  will share important information based on research (his and others) and offer it in a way you can apply it to your practice.  He shares’s his METTA acronym as a way to be aware of all the present nonverbal elements. Join us to learn new information, have fun and ask questions.


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