Posts Tagged ‘Negotiation and Conflict Management’
Is your teen being moody? Or are they being bullied? Tips and Strategies for parents whose teens may be victims of bullying
Bullying has become one of the biggest topics of conversation in today’s education system. Bullying caused conflict between two or more students and left unresolved, can result in severe consequences. According to Dosomething.org, “Over 3.2 million students are victims of bullying each year”. Dosomething.org also points out “Only 1 in 10 victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse”. Teens may not be reporting their abuse to their parents. Therefore, the parents may have no idea it is occurring until it is too late. While I am not a parent, I would feel in these situations both helpless and hurt if my child was being bullied and I had no idea. I have brainstormed below some tips and strategies for parents whose teens may be victims of bullying and what they can do to assist their teen in managing these conflicts.
- Talk to your adolescents. I know teenagers are challenging during this period of their life when they are changing daily and regularly pushing the boundaries of freedom. But, parents you need to talk with your kids, even if it’s small talk about the mundane events of their lives. Keeping lines of communication open are necessary because if your child feels they cannot disclose information to you then they won’t.
- Keep your cool. If your child does open up about the conflicts they are experiencing in school, jumping into protective parent mode could make your child hesitant to tell you things in the future. Keep in mind, involving your parents is uncool during your teen years. Instead, brainstorm with your teen constructive ways to manage their conflict that does not involve contacting the other parents or administration.
- Be observant of your child’s behavior and temperaments. I know irritability and mood swings are typical in teenagers, but if your teen withdraws, or their personality makes an 180° turn, then that is cause for concern. Take notice if your child appears more upset after texting on her phone or using the computer, cyber bullying has become a serious issue in today’s society. If your teen seems more upset than usual after using these technologies, someone could be harassing him or her.
- Take a timeout from social media. Teens are spending a lot more time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and other social media platforms. Surfing the sites to see what their friends are doing can be very addicting. Parents suggest to your teen that they take a break for a couple of hours each week. Unlike back in the day, when students were being bullied, they could escape from it when they went home. Technology has allowed bullies to enter into the home and continue their harassment of your teen. Requesting your teen take some time away from social media could assist them from getting away from their bully.
- Teach your teen how to manage conflict constructively. Conflict does not have to be a bad thing. Teaching your teen to confront their bully, without violence can be a confidence booster. Teach your teen to ask their bully questions such as, why are you treating me this way? What can be done to resolve this? If the bullying persists, tell your teen to come to you.
- If bullying does continue, ask your teen if it is okay to intervene. If they agree, go to the administration and ask what they feel can be done to resolve this issue.
Bullying is not okay. Unfortunately, many administrators and teachers in the school system see this behavior as normal and acceptable. But, when adolescents are resorting to harming themselves as a way out, the issue becomes life and death. Parents, I urge you to check in with your teens and make sure they have not fallen victim to bullying behavior.
Abigail Clark M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Apprentice
Childhood Gender Diversity: A Natural Variation in Human Development
When children enter this world, the adults greeting them have many assumptions already in place about their future. If the child has a penis, projections about masculinity-driven biological and societal experiences prevail, if the child does not have a penis, a femininity-driven future is imagined with regard to biological development and social opportunities.
But in approximately 1.5-3% of families with a transgender child, those projected futures may not be in the cards, because their child simply does not identify with the gender role assigned to them based on their genitalia. In fact, enforcement of those gender expectations may cause the child profound distress. This is the world of a transgender child and their families.
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Facing Ourselves in Times of Conflict- The Power of Self-Reflection
I am an inquisitive person. I think it is important to ask why, because I believe knowing and understanding why things and people act and behave the way they do furthers learning of the world around you. When you ask the question why, it allows you to hear the facts, draw your conclusions and apply the synthesized information into other areas of your life.
Merriam-Webster defines self-reflection as “careful thought about your own behavior and beliefs”. Self-Reflection is taking a step back from yourself and looking inward. I had been a self-reflector even before I knew there was a term for what I was doing. I have always been curious as to why I behaved or thought a certain way. I believe many people struggle with self-reflection because it is scary to admit our shortcomings. Recognizing our flaws, makes them real for us and many of us shy away from self-reflection. I am not one to shy away. I think self-reflection is essential in my life to keep myself in check.
2012 was not my best. I gained thirty pounds; I was in a different graduate school program that I did not want to be in, and my self-esteem was low. I was unhappy and negative. I had internal conflict which impacted my attitude, reactions and behaviors with others. I started asking why I felt this way through journaling. It was the most therapeutic part of my transformation process. Journaling allowed me to express and put on paper what I was thinking and feeling. I analyzed why I pursued my Masters in the first place? Why I had gained thirty pounds? Why I felt envious of my friends? As a result of journaling and self-reflection, I was able to work through these internal conflicts and I concluded it was time for a change.
I applied and enrolled into a different graduate program, started working out and eating better, and slowly my life began to change. I know journaling is not for everyone, but it allowed me to look inward and analyze myself and my behavior. I wrote when I was angry, when I was happy, when I was sad, and I began to take inventory of how I responded in those situations; and then I started to brainstorm how I could do better.
Self-Reflection Strategies:
Think about these questions as it pertains to the internal conflict you are experiencing.
#1 – Be honest.
- What are you not speaking aloud that you know to be the truth of the situation you find yourself experiencing?
- What is it you are embellishing in your story to others?
#2 – Be vulnerable.
- What emotions are you experiencing right now?
- What is causing you to feel that emotion?
- For example: When you fought with your spouse over not taking the trash out, were you angry about that or were you taking your frustration from work out on him?
#3 – Be tough.
- How did I contribute to this dispute?
- What could I have done differently?
- What will I work on to prepare for next situation I encounter?
I am my harshest critic and asking myself these questions allows me to take responsibility, look at myself from another perspective, critique my behavior, and generate solutions to do better next time.
I believe self-reflection is necessary for anyone looking to address his or her internal conflict. I often say that no one can ever tell me something about myself that I haven’t already thought. My goal in life is to be the best version of myself and self-reflection is crucial to achieve success. I challenge anyone with this common purpose to do the same and find the power of self-reflection.
Abigail Clark- M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Apprentice
What sets you off? How to recognize your identity pinpoints that cause you to get defensive?
The book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Shelia Heen is one of my favorites. I just re-read the chapter where the authors speak of identity, and they cite three identities that a person worries about in a tough conversation, “Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love?” Each question can provoke defensiveness that can instigate conflict.
These three points affect how you and I see ourselves as a people. I will admit if I am in a disagreement and I feel my intelligence, my feelings towards someone or something, or my choices and beliefs are in question, I feel a need to get defensive. I had an epiphany when I first started learning about conflict, and I realized most of the arguments I had with others escalated because of personal identity battles with which I was struggling.
My second-grade teacher called me stupid in front of my class and unfortunately, it was not a onetime occurrence. I spent most of my life believing I was stupid and using this experience as a crutch. I reflected on this experience, and I determined that I gave my second-grade teacher’s comment power by believing it and therefore, I did myself a disservice because I could have achieved a lot more. I began noticing that every time someone called something I said into question, I felt like they were inquiring my competency, and I would get defensive.
When you get defensive what happens?
- You stop listening. The moment you feel defensive you automatically jump into fight mode, thinking of your next comeback.
- You may say things you do not mean, make accusations, and draw conclusions about something that was not mentioned. I call this the groundhog effect. When Groundhogs feel trapped, they attack. Humans do the same thing in an argument when you feel stuck you get defensive, and you attack.
- You make a resolution more difficult. If you get defensive you stop listening, then the person you are disputing with does not feel heard or acknowledged. If you attack, say things you don’t mean, make accusations, or draw conclusions about the unsaid, you then have to work through the hurt feelings that arose between you and the other person.
Identity is something humans hold dear. Defensiveness occurs when we see ourselves a certain way, and it is called into question or criticized. There are some cases that call for defensiveness when people are outwardly mean and deliberately trying to hurt your feelings. I am not discussing these particular incidents; I am referring to our sensitive hot spots that provoke defensiveness when it is not necessary.
When someone critiques or questions something I say, I actively try to stop my conscience from thinking they are calling me incompetent. I also do the following things:
- Listen and hear out what the person is saying. In the past I would hear a critique and stop listening. Now I listen to the whole statement before I react.
- Recognize that what you hear i.e. tones, sarcasm, etc. may not be intentional, therefore you must also clarify. I have said to my fiancé on numerous occasions, “When you said [fill in the blank] did you mean it sarcastically?” Most of the time, what I am hearing is not what he intended, or he will admit frustration with something else and that is why he had a tone or was sarcastic.
- Acknowledge what provokes you to get defensive. You are the only person that can know your triggers and therefore, when pushed you are responsible for how those situations are handled.
- Learn to take constructive criticism. If you want to get better in life, you must be able to take criticism because that is the only way to get better. Recognize not everyone is out to get you and most want to see you succeed.
I challenge each person to look inward and find out what identity pinpoints provokes defensiveness; awareness is the first step towards constructive change.
Abigail Clark M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Apprentice
Give It to Me Straight- Communicating Directly and Constructively
It is a widely known fact among my family and friends that I am direct. I am not a person who beats around the bush or sugarcoats. The Free Dictionary by Farlex defines beating around the bush as “To speak evasively or misleadingly, or to stall or waste time.” Merriam-Webster’s definition of sugarcoat is, “to talk about or describe (something) in a way that makes it seem more pleasant or acceptable than it is.” Many people I have found tend to dodge or pacify their delivery of certain messages to avoid conflict. Or, they dodge and pacify because being direct makes them uncomfortable. I am not afraid of conflict because I learned how to resolve and manage it efficiently and constructively, which is a skill everyone can learn! Even before learning these skills, I was direct. I have always been this way because I observed when I was growing up that when people are not straightforward they are leaving room for misunderstanding. I also feel there is a misconception that being direct means you must be nasty or hurtful. There is an art to delivering a direct message in such a way that it is received well, and the recipient is not offended.
So what is the best way to deliver a direct message?
- Plan out what you will say before the conversation happens.
My fiancé often thought I overly prepared when I was speaking to someone about an uncomfortable topic because I would plan out what I was going to say. However, recently he had an awkward conversation that required directness. He prepared beforehand and in doing so he felt that it assisted with the effectiveness of his delivery. I recommend saying things out loud because hearing the words spoken allows you to critique and alter whatever is needed.
- Talk directly to the person who you want to receive the message.
Never relay your message to someone and ask him or her to talk to the person in your place. First, this is a complete cop-out. Second, it can hurt the person’s feelings especially if the message being delivered is a difficult one. While technology has provided many outlets for communication, I believe face-to-face is always best. If you must give a message in a different form make sure you are the one doing it.
- Communicate the message honestly, but do not be hurtful.
Anytime a person feels like they are being attacked they will get defensive. The moment someone gets defensive the possibility of conflict increases. There are several ways to deliver a message directly so that it can be well received. I outlined my two favorite tactics below.
Tactic #1 – Ask a question. If a friend is consistently late when meeting you for lunch rather than saying, “Leah, you are late again, I have been waiting for fifteen minutes, and it’s rude.” Most likely, Leah will get defensive. Instead, you could say, “Leah, I noticed you are often running late when we meet for lunch, next meeting would it be more convenient to pick a later time?” The same message is being conveyed, but Leah will be less likely to get defensive.
Tactic #2 – Make a comparison/empathize. When I was on my high school’s dance team, we learned a challenging routine that we would be performing at a basketball game. One of my team members was struggling with a combination. I pulled her aside and said, “I noticed that this combination was giving you a hard time. I had issues with it too; let me show you a trick I used that made it a little easier!” I was able to address directly an issue and show that I too had struggled. Many times when people speak directly to others they can come across as condescending or snobby, pointing out your struggles and flaws can assist in keeping a the conversation balanced.
The more people practice being direct in a non-confrontational way, the least likely misunderstandings will arise.
Abigail Clark M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Apprentice
The Sure Fire Way to Stop Bullying NOW!
From top Corporate business woman, to internationally acclaimed author, Anita Telle talks to us about how her child being bullied, changed her and her son’s life as well as the lives of many people from around the world. She has a mission: To teach acceptance and love to children ages 4 – 9 so they will grow up to be amazing, supportive and loving teenagers, immune to peer pressure and bullying. She also has a story to tell. And it’s an important story; one that touches everyone, everywhere, from every culture. But it is especially important for children:
Being different IS normal. We are all different, in different ways.
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Our Radio Program Family Grows
Our global online radio program, The Texas Conflict Coach®, has grown to over 250,000 listens with over 250 podcasts on a myriad of conflict management topics. The podcast library is searchable and ready to listen, download and share.
We could not make this community outreach program available without our growing family. Today, we have three guest hosts: Zena Zumeta, Stephen Kotev, and our newest addition, Tracy Culbreath. We have our Executive Assistant, Shawn Tebbetts who is extraordinarily resourceful in making every guest a special part of our family. And finally, we have come to rely on our student interns who are responsible for research, blog posts, social media networks, community outreach, and special projects. Abigail Clark, who graduated with her Master’s in Negotiation and Conflict Management, decided to stay on as an Apprentice. We are excited she will continue to be part of our family.
And now, let me introduce to you our newest graduate student intern, Lauren Thompson Andrews. Lauren is currently enrolled in the Conflict Negotiation/Conflict Management Master’s Program at the University of Baltimore in Maryland. She’s a mother of two amazing children, a savvy entrepreneur and a long time student of the healing arts, Reiki II. With herbal and natural healing remedies passed down from her grandmothers, she’s used these ancient teachings and gifts to put her family on a path of wellness. She even started a consulting business with coaching people in wellness by sharing her healing wisdom and nature remedies. Speaking of gifts, Lauren has a natural gift for gab and has worked as a long time radio broadcaster for 15+ years. Now, Lauren is reintroducing herself to the world as a Conflict Coach by helping people get up when life knocks them down. She will help them keep going toward their goals and persevering against all odds. Lauren persevered and her message is, “You can too”!
Pattie Porter, Founder and Host
Senior Mediation and Decision Making
Persons aged 65 and older are the fastest growing part of the population, and many families confront sometimes difficult decisions about care-giving, housing, health care, estate planning, and end of life planning for aging parents and other family members. Bob Rhudy, president of Senior Mediation and Decision-Making, Inc., Baltimore, Maryland, discusses the types of services that senior (or “elder”) mediators provide to help families manage and resolve conflict in these matters.
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Teamwork Tango: Using Partner Dancing Principles to Improve Organizational Leadership
Today’s organizations require that workers be adaptable. Truly effective leaders know how to follow and how it feels to be a follower. Conversely, in order to be a productive team member, one must understand the difficulties of being a team leader. The daily “dance” between leaders and followers requires mutual understanding and a balance of give and take. As the great Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, said: “To lead, one must follow.” In this program, Yael Schy, creator of the Teamwork Tango® leadership training approach, shares her philosophy and methodology of using partner dancing principles and exercises for helping leaders and followers in organizations to work together more collaboratively and effectively.
