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The Absolute Habit: Eliminating These Words From Your Conflict Communication

information-boards-105196_1920Over the years, I mediated hundreds of cases and coached executives and business owners on how to address and break ongoing conflict behavior patterns.  A typical communication mode is the overuse of words such as always, never, should, right, wrong, truth or lie. These absolute terms when habitually used sustain and escalate the conversation. Here is an example.

Sue yells, “You always do that! You should know better than to lie to me. It is simply wrong to hide the fact that you didn’t file the critical reports on time. And now, we will incur a stiff financial penalty.”

Robert defensively states “I didn’t lie. The report was filed on time. You should never make assumptions. If you had just asked, you would have learned the truth. I requested for an extension of the deadline. The report was filed based on this new time frame. Once again, I am right, and you are wrong.”

Sue goes on the attack, and expectedly, Robert defends himself. Using absolute terms gives little room for the conversation to maneuver. Everything is black and white and represents only one perspective. We shut down a conversation instead of opening it up for further clarity. This type of exchange also causes damage and instills distrust in the working relationship. Here is how Sue might have improved her communication to prevent or de-escalate the conversation.

“Robert, I am very upset with you. I just found out that the report was filed after the deadline. In our last conversation, I thought we both understood how critical it was to file on time, so we would not incur a stiff financial penalty. I need you to be honest with me. What happened?” Sue said with exasperation.

Robert remained calm. “Sue, honestly, we are both correct. I fully understood the criticalness of filing the report on time. In fact, I asked for and received an extension on the deadline so that we could check our work for accuracy. I successfully filed the report before the new time limit. We are not going to incur a penalty.”

You can feel the difference between the tone and the delivery. If you are using this type of language in your disputes, be aware of how the other person receives your message and reacts. Here are ideas for how you might change this ineffective and damaging habit.

  • Ask a trusted friend or colleague to observe and listen for the absolute terms you frequently use.
  • Invite them to give you feedback either in the moment or shortly after that.
  • Identify words in advance to substitute the absolute terms such as “sometimes,” “mostly,” or “on a rare occasion.”
  • Self-monitor your phrases and observe how the other person reacts when you communicate. Then, adjust your tone, delivery, and phrase choices.

Keep in mind these words such as never and always have an appropriate place and time to be used. When used strategically, they educate and inform what action or behavior to refrain or to do.

Pattie Porter, LCSW

Conflict Management Expert

 

 

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15 Observations about Life and Conflict- A Reflection

binoculars-1269458_1920I am an observant person. I have been fascinated by people and how they interact with one another, how they behave when they are alone, and why they ultimately do the things they do. Over the course of my twenty-seven years of life, I have observed the people around me and learned from these observations some key understandings about life and conflict.

Here is what I have learned:

  1. You cannot control most of the things and people around you. The one element in any given situation you have complete control over is yourself, and that makes you incredibly powerful.
  2. Optimism is better than pessimism. It brings a better outcome.
  3. If you spend all your time looking and thinking about the past, you’ll never move forward.
  4. You are human and you will make mistakes. Acknowledge when you do, apologize, and try and do better next time.
  5. Most conflicts come down to miscommunication between two people.
  6. Taking a few deep breaths can change a lot: your mood, your perspective, your ability to talk with reason.
  7. Knowing when to remain silent and when to speak up is one of the most important skills you can learn.
  8. There is something below the surface that someone is battling or holding on to, not every conflict is about you or something you did. You could have just been the trigger.
  9. There is a bigger picture. A small justice or victory now could result in damaging the bigger picture. Always keep that in mind.
  10. Putting yourself in another person’s shoes can be a challenging task to achieve, however, doing it can completely change your point of view on the issue and the person.
  11. Taking time to think before responding can decrease the number of conflicts your words might cause later.
  12. When in doubt, genuinely apologize.
  13. Listening is far more important than speaking.
  14. You contribute to every conflict in some way – just like the tango conflict takes two.
  15. Many conflicts are not managed constructively, but when you see one that is, you’ll never look at conflict in the same way.

What have you observed about life and conflict in the world around you? I’d love to hear it!

 

Abigail R. C. McManus

Guest Blogger/ Host

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Conflict Chat ….Our Nation Divided and a Path to Reconciliation

 

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Got Conflict? If you have a conflict with someone and are not sure how to handle it, then let us know. Here is your opportunity to ask your question with Conflict Management experts who are mediators, conflict coaches, and facilitators on how to think about, analyze or resolve your situation.

Think about it. Are you currently engaged in an active conflict with your co-workers or boss? Ignoring your neighbor because of a conversation you don’t want to have? In a disagreement with your spouse? Or simply afraid to bring up a concern with a friend in fear of stirring up problems.

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Discussion Topic:

The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion

Compassion vs Pledges (002)

Moral Foundations from Jonathan Haidt

1) A focus on our ability to feel (and dislike) the pain of others. It underlies virtues of kindness, gentleness, and nurturance.

2) A focus on the ideas of justice, rights, and autonomy.

3)  A focus on the virtues of patriotism and self-sacrifice for the group.

4) It underlies virtues of leadership and followership, including deference to legitimate authority and respect for traditions.

5)  This foundation was shaped by the psychology of disgust and contamination. It underlies religious notions of striving to live in an elevated, less carnal, more noble way.

6) This foundation is about the feelings of reactance and resentment people feel toward those who dominate them and restrict their liberty.

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Addressing the Needs of LGBTQ Youth

 

Stories of attacks on the way home from the bus stop, bullying in the classroom, and assaults in school hallways are all-too-frequent reminders that our community and many others throughout the US are still not safe places for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) young people. Perhaps what is most heartbreaking is that some youth have come to believe that this is normal, that this is just part of growing up, or that this is how life is for LGBTQ individuals. SMYAL is working to change all that by providing an inclusive environment and empowering DC-area LGBTQ youth to be leaders and advocates for themselves and their peers in the broader community. We provide youth with the opportunities, support, and skills they need to de-escalate conflicts as they occur and to work within their community to root out these conflicts from their source.

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Turning Your Kaleidoscope for a Different Perspective

kaleidoscope-2186166_1920I grew up in a family addicted…addicted to conflict drama. Our family’s drama resulted from a single grandparent trying to raise three grandchildren on a limited income. I learned to survive my grandmother’s potent rage by observing and avoiding things that might trigger her wrath. I was adept at avoiding potential conflict and confrontation. Today, I am a recovering conflict avoider.

As a child, I learned that the only perspective that mattered in the conflict game was my grandmother’s viewpoint. I remember she had a pair of binoculars in an old brown, canvas case. She used it when we would visit the beach to watch birds or see the ships in the far distance. The binoculars were a way to get close and see things from afar more intimately; however, it also provided a narrow viewing field. We used a similar telescopic lens when seeing situations that triggered my grandmother.

For years, I used a telescopic perspective and stayed hyper vigilant to the signs and signals so as not to disturb the periods of time that were calm and peaceful. I honed my conflict avoidance skills, but these same skills did not serve me well as I entered into adulthood.  I became more self-aware that other perspectives than my own existed and questioned how could it possibly be that others didn’t think the way I did. I stopped using the binoculars if you will and learned how to use a kaleidoscope.

The Kaleidoscope was one of my most fascinating toys as a child. It felt exotic compared to my Barbie dolls. Upon holding the long tube to my eye, I saw vibrant and intricate shapes. And to my discovery, I could turn the end of the tube to see an endless number of colorful patterns. The kaleidoscope is an optical instrument with multiple reflections from mirrors, glass pieces, colored beads, and today, can be made of any number of small objects to create various perspectives. To learn and read the history of the kaleidoscope, read here.

How can we use the kaleidoscope, not the telescope, to see various perspectives in disputes? Just as each kaleidoscope provides unique patterns, every person we encounter is unique with different familial experiences, beliefs, values and personality characteristics.

When we are in an interpersonal conflict, we tend to focus on one perspective usually our own very narrowly. We don’t turn the kaleidoscope to see a different angle to the story. We experience the other person in the conflict as the individual who wronged us in some way. The beauty of a kaleidoscope is the mirrors used to reflect simple elements into a complex arrangement. It is in the turning of the long tube that allows each of us to see a distinct perspective. In conflict conversations, the turning of the kaleidoscope means taking action, actively listening and asking questions to gain a new understanding. It is revealing, beautiful, and often leads to a deeper understanding of what makes the other person unique.

Learning how to turn the kaleidoscope changed my life and gave me the courage to take more risks. I wanted to see more beautiful things in people, and myself. I do have to remember to pick up the kaleidoscope in my interpersonal conflicts and turn it to see the hidden patterns. Have you done this lately?

If not, I invite you to pick up and turn your kaleidoscope for a new perspective.

Pattie Porter, LCSW

Conflict Management Expert

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Conflict Chat ….From Friendly to Nasty Neighbor

 

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Got Conflict? If you have a conflict with someone and are not sure how to handle it, then let us know. Here is your opportunity to ask your question with Conflict Management experts who are mediators, conflict coaches, and facilitators on how to think about, analyze or resolve your situation.

Think about it. Are you currently engaged in an active conflict with your co-workers or boss? Ignoring your neighbor because of a conversation you don’t want to have? In a disagreement with your spouse? Or simply afraid to bring up a concern with a friend in fear of stirring up problems.

Discussion Topic:

Bad Neighbor Unplugs Bounce House

Neighbor Shame

Fear Thy Neighbor

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Mediation, Elder Abuse and Saving the Family: Mediation & Conflict Strategies to Avoid Elder Abuse

Steve MehtaAs Americans are getting older, more and more issues arise relating to elder abuse in financial and health care settings.  Studies show that the majority of abuse occurs within the family.  What can be done to resolve these issues?  Listen to a respected elder abuse mediator and author, Steve Mehta, and learn how to address these difficult issues.

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Who’s in Charge-Managing Difficult Decisions Around A Parent’s Care

 

Byron Cordes When a family member needs help everyone has an idea of what is “best.” Many times, adult children are called upon in a crisis to help their parents make some decisions about their care. The family and the senior have to decide the senior may need. The differing options of care (how much, what type, and how it will be funded) can cause conflict within the family. Geriatric Care Managers are often called upon to help negotiate these very difficult decisions.

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What Dr. Seuss Taught Me -Teaching Conflict Resolution through Children’s Literature

Zax

The Sneetches and Other Stories by Dr. Seuss. Illustration by Dr. Seuss. Picture, taken by: Patricia M. Porter.

I have a niece, Zoey, who is eighteen months old, and I was recently looking at children’s books to get her. I always loved when my mom would read to me as a kid especially books where there was a lesson to be learned. I started thinking about books that would be appropriate for teaching Zoey about conflict, being that I am a conflict intervenor. After doing some research, I found the perfect story in one of Dr. Seuss’s collections titled, “The Zax.”

The story is about a North-Going Zax and a South-Going Zax who come to the same spot on their journey and bump into one another. Neither one is willing to step out of the other’s way as they both have an abundance of pride, so they stay unmoved for days, months, even years. The conclusion of the story explains that while the Zax’s refused to budge the world continued, and eventually a highway was built around them.

How is the story of the Zax’s a good way to teach children and even adults about conflict resolution?

 

 

  1. It demonstrates a conflict without a resolution. As neither Zax would agree to move, they remained stuck in the same spot missing the developing world around them. How many times have we witnessed a fight between two people where both parties refused to budge on their position? What do those two individuals end up missing out on because of their pride?
  2. It’s a way to discuss negotiation and compromise. What did the Zax’s ultimately want? The North-Going Zax wanted to go North while the South-Going Zax wanted to go South. They both felt the other should move out of their way so that they could go forth. However, if they had discussed their problem instead of forcefully asking the other to move, they could have worked out a compromise that both parties would have found met their needs.
  3. It’s an excellent lesson in attacking the problem not that person. The Zax’s attack one another by saying things like, “YOU are blocking my path, get out of my way.” They could have instead looked at the problem itself and how they could fix it rather than attacking one another.
  4. It teaches conflict escalation. How did the Zax’s make the problem worse? The North-Going Zax started, “I never,” he said, “take a step to one side. And I’ll prove to you that I won’t change my ways. If I have to keep standing here fifty-nine days!” The South-Going Zax countered that he could stay fifty-nine years at that point both were trying to save face to prove a point.

Teaching children how to manage conflicts constructively I believe is the best way to ensure a more peaceful world in the future. Children’s literature can be a helpful resource in conveying skills and lessons on conflict resolution. What other books would you recommend for teaching conflict resolution? Let me know.

 

Have a Good Week,

Abigail R.C. McManus

Guest Blogger / Co-Host

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THE TEXAS CONFLICT COACH: CELEBRATING CHANGE AND DISCOVERING NEW PATHS

TCC Congrats CakeThis month, April 2017, marks the Texas Conflict Coach global radio program’s 8th anniversary. I have had the joy of meeting and learning from guest experts around the world; mentor graduate students from the University of Baltimore and Salisbury State University in Maryland; and work side-by-side with Hosts, Zena Zumeta, Stephen Kotev, Tracy Culbreath, and Abigail McManus. And finally, receiving the guidance from Advisory Board members Lou Geisel from Maryland Association of the Conflict Resolution Office (MACRO) and Cinnie Noble with CINERGY Coaching in Canada. Shawn Tebbetts, the Executive Assistant, proved to be invaluable to keeping all of us organized and working through the details.

Starting in May 2017, I am retooling and making program changes to provide more effective and valuable content to our listeners and viewers. During this transition, we will re-broadcast each month well-liked episodes straight from our archives, and we will produce live episodes, Conflict Chat: Ripped from the Headlines focused on discussing the current conflicts we read in the news. Abigail McManus, a guest blogger, along with me, will publish weekly blog posts focused on conflict management topics to help you reflect and apply concepts.

Periodically, we will host a special guest or event episode. You can access over 315+ podcasts on a variety of topics related to conflict management for families, workplace organizations, kids, and schools, neighbors, religious communities, etc. ANYTIME and ANYWHERE! You can listen and learn from a variety of sources including www.texasconflictcoach.com, our Texas Conflict Coach YouTube channel, or through iTunes, Stitcher Radio, FM Player, and Google Play.

This month, you can listen to my inaugural episode focused on what motivated me to begin this journey as well as what I have learned about engaging in interpersonal conflict in Being in Conflict: Lessons Learned from a Conflict Management Practitioner. Rose Gordon returns with Encouraging Restorative Community Conversations with the Comfort Zone, Discomfort Zone, and the Alarm Zone in Mind!

I want to extend a huge hug and share my appreciation for everyone’s support over the years. You might have been an avid listener, a guest, a fan or a supporter. Whatever your role, thank you for sharing in our success and our mission to educate the everyday person on how to embrace conflict constructively and courageously!

Stay tuned for future developments and new program content.

Pattie Porter

Founder and Host

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