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Take Five! – How Adults Can Benefit from a Time Out
Clock
A time-out according to Wikipedia, “Is a form of behavioral modification that involves temporarily separating a person from an environment where unacceptable behavior has occurred.” It is a disciplining technique we associate with children. The logic behind the time-out method is that if you remove the child from a fun surrounding when they do something wrong, then it will eliminate that behavior.
Although this is a popular discipline method with children, it is also one that adults can and should use as well. I am not ashamed to admit that my husband Bernard has successfully used this technique on me, whether he is aware of it or not.
Before I explain how he did this, I must first clarify why it was necessary. My preset response when in conflict is to fight. By this I mean, I won’t listen, I get defensive, I make demands, I speak in absolutes, and lastly, the worst, in my opinion, I yell. Many times when my emotions are running high, I don’t even realize my voice has gone up two octaves. Although I have made numerous changes in how I engage in conflict, I feel I will always be a work in progress. It is not simple to make modifications to our behavior without mindfulness, perseverance, and I believe the help of others. Which brings me back to my husband, Bernard and how he assisted in correcting my conflict behavior.
We got into a heated conflict some months back. I was yelling, and Bernard asked me to stop. I responded how I always did when he said this to me, “I am not yelling.” Finally, Bernard had reached his tolerance limit and told me that we were having a verbal time-out for five minutes. I began to protest, but he held up his hand implying he would not be continuing unless I stop speaking for five minutes. So I sat in silence, at first I was annoyed by this pause.
It felt like a break and taking a break from conflict always felt counter-intuitive to me. While I know it can be helpful for you to calm down and be more productive when you come back to it, I still felt like it thwarted the momentum of the discussion. Usually, one person initiates the break, and it is that person who seems to hold power as to when the conversation recommences. Being as I am impatient I never liked conflicts to linger, and I found when breaks were initiated it prolonged a resolution.
As I continued to sit in silence, I noticed that I had calm down. When Bernard spoke after the five minutes, he said, ” Okay, I am willing to listen to you if you speak calmly, if you start yelling I’m initiating another time-out.” I felt irritated that he spoke to me like a kid, but in hindsight, my yelling did mirror a temper-tantrum thrown by a child. Now months later, I can acknowledge that his insistence on a five-minute time-out when I would start yelling (this occurred several more times) is what led to the minimizing of that behavior. I now will catch and correct myself before he even has an opportunity to say something.
If you are like me, you are not a fan of time-outs when in a fight. A break meaning you leave the room or house, go for a drive or a walk, or do something else for a while and then come back to the conversation after some time has passed. Try taking a five-minute time-out instead. It removes the fear that the conflict will go unaddressed or that you won’t revisit it later. While also giving you a moment to calm yourself down.
Just like with children, a time-out can be beneficial for addressing and even eliminating poor behavior and assist you in becoming a better you in conflict.
Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Guest Blogger
Blaming and Shaming Language – Stop The Shoulding
Illustration depicting an aerosol can with a blame remover concept.
Quick Tips We can stop “shoulding” on people by:
- Changing our language – use “I” instead of “you” when addressing issues
- Accepting ownership for our own actions
- Turning negative self-talk into positive thoughts about ourselves
Key Question: How do I stop “shoulding” on people?
What is “shoulding?”
“You should have taken out the garbage before you went to work.” “You should have checked the oil before you drove it.” “You should have told her to bug off.” Sound familiar?
Why we “should” on others
Unfulfilled expectations can be disheartening and damaging. When things that we anticipate don’t come true, things come crashing down around us. We have put too much of our success, happiness and needs on the shoulders of others. When we are not happy, we tell ourselves it is their fault. They should do something different.
The effect of “shoulding”
Just hearing the word “should” places people in the position to justify, defend or retaliate. “Shoulding” is blaming language and conveys a tone and attitude of judgment, disappointment or disapproval. This language can initiate or intensify conflict.
Replace “shoulding”
Use language that clearly conveys your needs and feelings in a way that you will be heard. Avoid accusing others. Start sentences with “I” vs. “You.”
Instead of saying, “You should have been straight with us.”
Say, “I am really angry and I need to understand what happened.”
Take responsibility:
Notice what “should” implies. It implies some need that is not being met. Dig deeper and ask what you are really upset about.
Shoulding can be blaming on everyone else rather than accepting responsibility for ourselves. We can always take responsibility for our response.
Be Specific
Be very clear about what concerns you. Avoid using “you,” speak from your own perspective.
Instead of saying: “I felt really frustrated when you….”
Say: “I felt really frustrated when “x” happened and the reason I was frustrated is that it undermined my authority.”
End with a Resolution Request
End with a request prevent conflict in the future.
Say: “How can we handle this differently in the future?
Or: “How can I prevent this in the future?”
Your Assignment
An assignment that can help you avoid “shoulding” on people:
- Count and note the number of “shoulds” you hear this week.
- Make a mental note of how people react if you or someone else “shoulds” on them
To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire podcast, Stop Shoulding on People https://www.texasconflictcoach.com/2010/stop-shoulding-on-people/
Patricia “Pattie” Porter, LCSW, ABW, AAP
The Texas Conflict Coach
Working Towards Forgiveness – A Model to Bring Peace to Your Life
Pertinent Points:
- Forgiveness is a healthy and positive action you take for yourself.
Peace and Forgiveness
- Forgiveness can happen without reconciliation. However, reconciliation cannot proceed without forgiveness.
- Apologies are never guaranteed. Forgiveness can occur without receiving an apology.
- When you forgive someone, you are NOT condoning what they did or implying that it is okay.
How can the P.E.A.C.E Model assist in forgiveness work?
- Perception and Clarification. Think about clarifying your perceptions of your needs, values, and desires. Dr. LaVena Wilkin says to ask yourself, “How are you benefiting from holding onto the anger? How would you benefit if you released that anger, resentment, and blame?” Be honest with your responses.
- Empathetic Listening. Listen to your heart, and put aside what your ego and pride are telling you. Ignore the voice telling you that if you forgive this person, then you are saying it is okay what they did.
- Appreciating Diversity. Appreciate and acknowledge all the different feelings and emotions that are coming up for you. You are not wrong to feel what you feel.
- Collaborative Problem-Solving. Forgiveness takes work. While collaborating with the person with whom you are angry is ideal, sometimes that person doesn’t believe they did anything wrong and are unwilling to work with you to reconcile. Instead, reach out to your support network and do collaborative problem-solving with them.
- Emotional Intelligence. Be aware of what triggers you and why. Don’t deny your anger, instead acknowledge it. Dr. LaVena Wilkin explains, “When you are aware of your emotions you can discriminate against them and better understand why you do the things you do and why others do the thing they do.”
Your Assignment:
In our interview with Dr. LaVena Wilkin on The Texas Conflict Coach® podcast, Dr. Wilkins’ suggested an assignment that can assist you in forgiving others. This is task is for YOU. Dr. Wilkins’ asks you to “Think about an area in your life that needs forgiveness work. Use the P.E.A.C.E Model to reflect and work through that area.”
To learn more about forgiveness, listen to the entire episode entitled: Forgiveness: The Gift You Give to Yourself
Abigail R.C. McManus, M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Guest Blogger
Touchy Topics – Tips For Navigating Workplace Conversations
There’s plenty of tension, some days, in the workplace over things such as deadlines and teams and managements and pay. But there’s often another outside source of tension that can create an unwelcome dynamic in the office: touchy subjects.
Those touchy subjects—and our opinions of them—are wide and broad, everything from sports to religion, politics, and sex. And because many of us work together and are connected on social media, we may know more about the inner workings of our co-workers emotions and beliefs than we ever did before. And that oversharing—online and then in the office—can lead to tension or outright anger.
That’s not to say that discussions like this cannot be productive—they can be, of course. But they can quickly escalate, which is why it’s important to have coping strategies that help you navigate those. What can you do? This graphic can help.
Listening Past The Judgments: Learning How To Communicate Compassionately
Compassion
Quick Tips:
- Don’t react or respond to an angry person with
- Be empathetic with others in conversation and be empathetic with yourself.
- Go into conflict with a compassionate mind and heart and a goal to connect with the other person.
How do you have compassionate, non-violent communication?
- Observe the situation from a third party perspective. Imagine you are video recording the conflict, take note of what is said and what is done. It is important when doing this that you leave out your interpretation of what occurred and any judgments you might have. Reverend Phil Schulman explained that as a society we tend to listen with judgment naturally, but we must “learn to listen through those judgments” to communicate compassionately.
- Be mindful of the emotions you are feeling. Emotions are always present in conflict; it is necessary to acknowledge them and name them to begin addressing them. Phil Schulman suggests you avoid saying, “I feel that…,” “I feel as if…” or using “I feel” as a pronoun because you will be expressing a thought or interpretation and not an emotion.
- Ask yourself what do I need? What does the other person need? Identifying what both you and the other party needs is how you will form a connection and be able to move forward. When you can reach a place where you can link with the other person a shift will occur where solutions can then be generated productively.
- Request for something to fulfill a need but don’t demand. Once you recognize the needs for yourself and the other party, you can then request something that will contribute to fulfilling that value.
Your Assignment:
In our interview with Reverend Phil Schulman on The Texas Conflict Coach® podcast, Reverend Phil suggested an assignment that can assist you in having a compassionate conversation:
- Make a list of all the qualities (values and needs) you would like in a relationship.
- Think of something that someone said or did that made your life wonderful. Notice the values or needs from your list that were satisfied or roused during that moment.
- Once you have done this write out this formula and fill in the blanks with what is in parenthesis:
When I remember the way you did (Fill in what they said or did), I feel (The emotion that was roused) because I so value (Fill in what you value or need). Would you be willing to (Make a request that will help you achieve fulfillment of that value or need)?
To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire episode Compassionate Conversations.
Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Guest Blogger
The Teen-Parent Battle: Growing Through Conflict
Our radio program series for September is titled, Courageous Conversations on tough issues between parents and their children regardless of the child’s age. The parent-child relationship can be difficult to navigate both from the parent and child’s perspective. As a parent, you nurture and care for your little babies then watch as they grow and change into adults. As a child, you view your parents as authority figures turning to them for advice and guidance. As your parents get older, your roles reverse, and now they need your guidance and support as adult children. During your life cycle, a myriad of conflicts occur from eating vegetables to breaking curfew or differences of a career path to difficult decisions about whether to put your parent in a nursing home.
I am a child of two wonderful parents, who have always shown me support and love. However, we did and still do have our conflicts. I think when I was a child I was under the impression my parents were perfect people. Once adolescence hit my relationship with my parents changed; blame it on the hormones or on my need to prove that I was an adult. Either way, I fought with my parents, my dad more so than my mom. I know there are many teens out there whose parents get on their nerves. Many teens may find themselves wishing time to speed up so that they can be an adult and not have to listen to their parents anymore. Two weeks from now, I will be getting married, and I often wonder where the time went? I find it aggravating that ten years ago when I was sixteen and my parents said “Enjoy your childhood while it lasts because you will blink your eyes, and it will be gone” they were right.
I wanted to write this week’s blog post for teens who find themselves in a constant battle with their parents. I have prepared a short list of points teenagers need to be aware when they get into these conflicts.
- Let go. If you are harboring resentment towards your parents about something they did or didn’t do in the past, understand your parents are human and make mistakes. When we are born we don’t come with handbooks and your parents are doing the best they can.
- Understand your parent’s intention. If your parents don’t let you wear certain outfits or stay out longer past your curfew, remember they have your best interest at heart. They are not trying to ruin your life, despite how it may seem.
- Mamma and Papa know best. If you think you are an adult and capable of making your choices, understand that with age comes wisdom and despite how grown up you feel, you are still a child. My fiancé and I were looking at pictures of us as children, and we found one of him when he was twelve. He had put “sun-in” in his hair, which was a popular fad during this time of our lives. Sun-In was a hair product that would bleach the top of your head blonde. My fiancé told me how much his parents had not wanted him to use Sun-in and looking back now he said he completely understood why they were so opposed. However, when he was twelve, he thought he knew best.
I hate admitting this, but my parents were right more times than they were wrong. When in conflict with your parents remember they are adapting to you changing and growing into an adult, this isn’t an easy adjustment. While conflict with your parents is inevitable keep the points listed above in mind, and remember you will survive!
Our September series is covering a variety of difficult conversations between parents and child.
Abigail Clark M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Guest Blogger
What Is Wrong With My Good Intentions?
Behave Reminder for Young Person in Red Sneakers about to make a Step and Join the Party, Top View.
Quick Tips
- Identify what triggers negative reactions for you.
- Identify your intention.
- Focus on changing some of your specific behaviors.
How do I make my intentions to be conflict competent a reality?
Intention rescue.
Have you made a commitment to hone your conflict resolution skills this year? Are you struggling, even feeling like a failure? Let me give you a “rescue remedy” for bringing your good intentions to fruition.
Identify your triggers.
If a specific statement, action or person creates a conflict response, know this about yourself. Be aware of what triggers a negative reaction in you.
Ask some questions.
Think about a situation or a person which triggers a conflict or negative response for you. Ask yourself:
- How do I want to be in this situation?
- What are the values and beliefs I want to uphold in this situation? Example: “I want to be confident and strong.”
Make a commitment to your intention.
Write on card, “I am willing to practice being ___ (value or belief around this situation or person)
Example: I am willing to practice being forgiving.
This act of willingness says a lot about your commitment.
Translate commitment to behavior.
Identify the behavior(s) necessary to meet the commitment.
Example: I might ask myself, “How do I be forgiving?”
Then I look at the behavioral responses I personally have to change in order to be forgiving in this situation:
- Listening with understanding.
- Not getting defensive.
If you find it difficult to identify behaviors to support your intentions, think of what you are not doing when you are not supporting your intentions.
Example: When I am not being forgiving….
- I don’t care what the other person has to say.
- I interrupt when he or she speaks.
- I use a terse tone of voice.
Get a mentor.
Pick a trusted friend, colleague or coach to give you feedback about how well you are doing in changing behavior. Have them observe you in the situation and give feedback in the moment or shortly afterward.
Your Assignment
In my Texas Conflict Coach® podcast, I suggested an assignment to help make your intentions a reality:
- Write your intention statement down in the next 24 hours. “I am willing to practice ___.”
- Identify the behavior changes you need to make in order to make your intention a reality.
- Practice the behavior changes and get feedback from a trusted mentor.
To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire episode GOOD INTENTIONS OFTEN PAVE A PATHWAY OF GOLD…TO HELL
Common Courtesy: Managing Triggers When Society Is Lacking
Interlinking Hands
I was looking forward to this long three-day weekend. Relaxing for me during these extended weekends means completing house projects, cleaning, organizing, and exercising. The periods of time when I was outside of my home interacting with the public I observed a lack of common courtesy that I found concerning. It is especially worrying because of the frustration that appeared to fester because of that missing element of respect between individuals could very easily have escalated into conflict. I felt annoyed on several occasions throughout the weekend that I was able to recognize before I allowed myself to be triggered.
Merriam-Webster defines common courtesy as, “politeness that people can usually be expected to show.” There were several examples of a lack of common courtesy I observed and experienced over the weekend.
I was in the car driving with a friend when another vehicle pulled out in front of us and cut us off. My friend beeped the horn to signal that the other car almost caused an accident, yet the other driver did not wave apologetically. My frustrated friend shook her head and said, ” Some people are so rude. I have half a mind to ride their bumper now.”
Bernard and I were at Home Depot picking up supplies for our home project. I observed a person trying to maneuver their cart down an aisle and ran into another customer’s cart sitting off to the side and knocked several items of theirs onto the floor. The person whose items were knocked onto the floor was not standing right there but a little further down the aisle. Rather than picking up the items, the person who hit the cart kept going. When the person returned to their cart, they appeared visibly angry shaking their head and mumbling to themselves.
I am currently training for the Baltimore Half Marathon, a huge running event at the end of October. Over the weekend, when running, I found myself in a game of chicken with a couple walking towards me on a narrow sidewalk. We could have all fit easily if one of them moved to walk behind the other while I passed. Instead, they refused to move, and I ended up running into the busy street next to the sidewalk. The situation angered me as I had found myself in similar incidents often, however, not nearly as dangerous as that one.
Finally, I observed two people getting to the grocery store checkout line at the same time. One person had about ten items while the other had only a few. The two individuals stood there for a moment looking at each other before the person with the fewer items relented. The person with more groceries didn’t acknowledge the other person. They just walked ahead putting their groceries on the belt. I watched the person with fewer items roll their eyes and visibly bite their bottom lip as if they were forcing themselves to remain quiet.
The definition of common courtesy mentions there is an expectation of politeness, so perhaps, the issue lies with our assumption that courtesy is given but isn’t necessarily guaranteed. The examples provided above may not have caused conflict in those moments, but the potential was there.
What can we do when we feel triggered by other’s lack of common courtesy?
- Take a deep breath. Before reacting or engaging, take a deep in through the nose, out through the mouth breath. Just doing that can soothe the mind and the temper.
- Be understanding. People are often distracted by whatever is going on in their minds; they may not have noticed that they cut you off, or bumped your cart. Lashing out at someone for a perceived slight that the other person may not be aware of will force them to get defensive and potentially lash out at you.
- Manage your expectations. Remember that not everyone is brought up the same way. Recognize that just because you would behave one way doesn’t mean everyone else will behave as you do.
- Keep smiling. What I mean is, continue to show other’s courtesy and be respectful. We can show other’s the way by doing it ourselves.
Have a good week,
Abigail R.C. McManus, Guest Blogger
Reconciling Relationships – How To Rebuild Trust Once It Has Broken Down
I recently observed two people reconciling after a long period of conflict between them. A breakdown in trust is what prompted the conflict, and now they were trying to determine how to move forward.
Trust can be a tricky thing. You must have some level of confidence with those you interact with as it is a significant element in most successful encounters. However, if you have faced distrusting people who have left you feeling disappointed or hurt in the past, you may find yourself unwilling or unable to trust.
In an article on the Beyond Intractability website titled, “Trust and Trust Building” by Roy J. Lewicki and Edward C. Tomlinson they provide a fantastic overview of trust between people. Roy J. Lewicki and Edward C. Tomlinson explain:
The need for trust arises from our interdependence with others. We often depend on other people to help us obtain, or at least not to frustrate, the outcomes we value (and they on us). As our interests with others are intertwined, we also must recognize that there is an element of risk involved insofar as we often encounter situations in which we cannot compel the cooperation we seek. Therefore, trust can be very valuable in social interactions.
What I loved about this overview is that the authors mentioned the risk you take when you are putting your confidence in others, as that is the crux of the whole unspoken arrangement. Are you willing to put your confidence in this person and take the chance that they will come through on their end, whatever or however that may be?
Trust is involved in all social interaction. A wife and husband have to trust one another to remain faithful to their vows. Friends who share intimate details of their life must have confidence in each other not to share those secrets with anyone else. A boss must trust their employees to do their work. Even minuscule interactions like a mechanic and a customer require some level of trust.
Which brings me back to the two people I witness reconciling their relationship. Both parties wanted to reconcile and move forward, but once trust has broken down how do you get it back?
The essential element to rebuilding confidence in one another is communication. Speak openly and honestly about what caused the rift in your relationship. Having the ability to voice your frustrations and hurt feelings to the other person can assist in squashing any possible misunderstandings that developed. It also allows you the ability to feel heard, often we hold onto anger and sadness when we are not given the opportunity to tell the other person how we feel. In some cases, one or both of you need to apologize. Sometimes a genuine apology is enough to reconcile and move forward. It can also be beneficial to express why you feel reluctant to trust the other person again. By discussing your reservations or theirs, it allows a chance to work with one another in brainstorming solutions to rebuild trust and strategies to address possible issues arising in the future.
A risk is always present when putting your trust in another person. If everyone is willing to reconcile, knowing how to rebuild trust in your relationship is essential in moving forward.
Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Guest Blogger
Page Turner – Learning Conflict Resolution and Mindfulness Through Children’s Books
Photo by Abigail R.C. McManus
My niece turns two years old this week, and instead of toys, I like to buy her books. I always loved getting new books and hearing new stories as a kid, and that hasn’t changed since becoming an adult. I was walking through the Children’s section at the book store the other day looking for books for my niece when I stumbled upon a book titled, What Do You Do With A Problem by Kobi Yamada (author) and Mae Besom (Illustrator). The book begins with the child having a nameless problem. The problem is small at first, but as the child tries to ignore it, they find that it just becomes bigger, consuming their thoughts, and affecting their life. Finally, the child decides to face the problem head on and discovers their problem, “…held an opportunity. It was an opportunity for me to learn and to grow. To be brave. To do something.” The illustrations parallel the message, at the beginning of the story the pictures are gloomy and gray but as the child faces their problem, the images become more colorful. I love this book, and the message it conveys to kids. Avoiding a problem will likely only make it worse, and once you face it, you will discover there is something you can learn from it.
The book brought to my attention the unique ability adults have to convey conflict resolution, mindfulness, and problem-solving to their kids. I have theorized for many years that conflict resolution should be taught as a course in school. I feel if an emphasis was placed on tiny humans to learn to be mindful of themselves and resolve conflict constructively it will evolve into adulthood and then there is a potential that future generations will have more peaceful interactions than today.
I love that there are many children’s books promoting mindfulness and conflict resolution. I compiled a book list below of some other impressive options and the messages they convey that emphasize key elements in mindfulness and conflict resolution:
Thanks for the Feedback, I think? By Julia Cook (Author), Kelsey De Weerd (Illustrator)
- The book teaches children about receiving positive and negative feedback and how to act when you receive it.
My Mouth is a Volcano! By Julia Cook (Author), Carrie Hartman (Illustrator)
- The book in a humorous way teaches children about listening to others, not interrupting, and being respectful.
Decibella and Her 6-Inch Mouth By Julia Cook (Author), Anita Du Falla ( Illustrator)
- The book outlines how you can use your voice in varied situations to convey different messages and feelings.
What If Everybody Did That? By Ellen Javernick
- The book teaches that there are positive and negative consequences of your actions and how those actions affect the people and world around us.
Cool Down and Work Through Anger By Cheri J. Meiners M.Ed
- The book discusses the complex emotion of anger and how to work through it constructively.
The books listed above are just a few amazing options to teach children constructive conflict resolution skills like managing emotions, listening, productively conveying your message, handling feedback, and tackling problems head on rather than avoiding. Those skills are difficult for many adults to learn, therefore, teaching them to children early on can alter how they interact with others for the rest of their life.
What other children’s books discuss conflict resolution and mindfulness? Share your findings in our comment section below!
Have a great week,
Abigail R.C. McManus, M.S. Negotiation and Conflict Management.
Guest Blogger
