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Deescalating Verbal Attacks
After 28 years of marriage, you wouldn’t be surprised to hear me say my husband I and get into arguments, at times. Usually, it ends up with a sarcastic “You’re right, I am wrong” response. For us, they are small conflict skirmishes. Arguments, in general, emphasize binary thinking with opposites: truth/lie; right/wrong; black/white; yes/no; either/or and so forth. Over recent months, the COVID-19 pandemic puts a spotlight on binary thinking here in the U.S. Recently, when discussing the Stay at Home, Work Safe orders extending into June, someone said to me “It doesn’t matter…everyone is out and about anyway” which I silently thought “It DOES matter.” I checked my defensive instinct to react, paused, and replied with “maybe there is some truth to that statement.” This strategy essentially kept the conversation from quickly irking my friend and escalating into the same old debate patterns.
Binary thinking generally places each person in the argument on opposite sides of one another’s position. Oh, but to be right and win my argument! And yet, when I push my point where the other concedes, did I win? I must ask myself what the win is in being right…all the time especially when I know how it negatively impacts the relationship. It invalidates the other person’s point of view often making them feel unheard and not valued. A common conversation as of late is wearing masks out in public. It is one thing when a person chooses not to wear a mask because it is their right. When someone then says, “You should be wearing a mask!” when one believes they have a right not to wear a mask, the conversation quickly escalates into a conflict. And, we have already seen physical altercations and even people who have died as a result of these quickly heated disputes. I choose to wear a mask in public because of my weakened immune system to fight off COVID-19.
The impact of this type of dualistic thinking and our engagement with others is often perceived as an attack, a verbal attack, and commonly followed by a defensive reaction. It also limits our ability to listen for different perspectives, douses our curiosity, and blinds us to new ideas and possibilities.
What do we do if we are on the receiving end of a verbal attack placing us in a position to fight, dismiss, or avoid the conversation altogether? As a novice Aikidoist, I have been practicing how to redirect verbal attacks. My motivation for pursuing Verbal Aikido is the self-mastery of redirecting these verbal conflict skirmishes without harming someone with my own words. It is about learning how to quickly “destabilize” the tension-filled attack to a conversation within a very short period in a couple of minutes. I have been applying a 3-step process guided by Luke Archer, master verbal Aikidoist and author of two Verbal Aikido books. The 3-step process is simple and yet the endless strategies require practice and time to master. The first step is learning how to find your center so when you are verbally attacked, you can find your balance quickly to engage the next two steps. And most importantly, this first step creates an open frame to listen. The second step is focused on seeking to understand the other person by “drawing out” and using empathetic listening. There are a number of short movements such as “Say more about what you mean” or “there may be some truth to that statement.” Another short movement I learned recently for this second step is to say in response to the verbal attack “That is one theory. Say more about where you learned this theory.” Then, listen for their understanding. The Aikidoist can then offer “Would you be willing to hear another perspective or theory?” Depending on how the other person responds, you can then move into the third step which is to offer an “Ai-Ki” as a way to rebalance the energy from escalation to conversation. The Aikidoist can say “How do you propose we move forward from this point?” or “If you are interested, let’s revisit and keep the dialogue going so we can fully understand each other. Would this work for you?” You can also say “Let’s agree to disagree.”
As I continue to work on my green belt in Verbal Aikido, I am blessed to be guided by Luke Archer. Anyone is invited to try out Verbal Aikido techniques. We practice virtually almost every Wednesday using the concept of the dojo practice mat where we verbally spar with each other applying the 3-step process and trying out different movements and techniques. To join, simply go to Verbal Aikido – The Club to check out the weekly dates and times the group meets on Zoom.
And, if you wish to get in-person training, I will be hosting Luke Archer with newSkool from France to conduct a two-day training in San Antonio this upcoming October. For more information, click HERE.
Patricia “Pattie” Porter, LCSW, ACC, ABW
CEO and Founder
Conflict Connections, Inc.
What Challenging Workplace Behavior Are You Dealing with in the New Year?
For the past year, Conflict Connections and MH Mediate have been developing a set of resources to help people address the ten toughest behaviors at work – everything from gossip to bullying, harassment, and hostile work environments. Our Challenging Workplace Behavior Summit featured 10 top global experts brought together over 250 conflict and human resources practitioners and yielded the definitive toolkit for challenging behaviors at work.
All resources are designed to be extremely actionable – for each behavior we hosted two 15-20 minute programs, the first explaining the behavior and the second sharing strategies and solutions. For each behavior we also put together a one-page summary (definition, impact, solutions, key quote), a full set of program notes, and a take-away tool.
The take-away tools include:
- Engaging Passive Aggression Without Losing Your Cool (Tip sheet)
- Diffusing Verbal Attacks (Checklist)
- Preventing Hostile Work Environments (Checklist)
- Escaping and Reframing Workplace Gossip (Talking Points)
- Overcoming Time-Sucking Interruptions (Checklist)
- Responding to Gender-Based Violence (Tip sheet)
- Preventing and Overcoming Workplace Bullying (Tip sheet)
- Stopping and Balancing Criticism (Talking Points)
- Responding to Workplace Incivility (Checklist)
- 5 Steps to a Deliberate, Non-Impulsive Reaction (Infographic Framework)
Because we value Conflict Connections subscribers,we’re offering a discounted rate for the All Access Pass to these programs. Instead of paying $297, if you use coupon “NewYearSpecial” you can pay just $149 – that’s 50% off! Discount ends on Wednesday, January 9th.
Visit https://www.workbehavior.us/register/all-access-pass/?coupon=NewYearSpecial to go directly to the checkout page with the coupon already applied. You will be able to create an account, pay by PayPal (use any major credit card, no account required), and get immediate access to the All Access Pass content.
Take a look at our 10 behaviors and experts below:
Workplace Incivility
Sharone Bar-David, workplace incivility expert and the author of Trust Your Canary: Every Leader’s Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility, defines incivility at work and shares frameworks for managing these situations.
Passive Aggression
Signe Whitson, trainer and author of The Angry Smile: The New Psychological Study of Passive-Aggressive Behavior, introduces passive aggressive behaviors in the workplace and teaches techniques for overcoming them.
Workplace Bullying
Catherine Mattice Zundel, a founder of the National Workplace Bullying Coalition and the author of BACK OFF! Your Kick-Ass Guide to Ending Bullying at Work, explains what constitutes bullying at work and offers steps for victims, bystanders, and managers.
Non-Stop Criticism
Krister Ungerboeck, CEO Coach and former CEO of a global tech company, explains when criticism becomes a problem and shares powerful solutions.
Verbal Attacks
Luke Archer, the founder of Verbal Akido, defines verbal attacks and teaches akido-inspired tactics for diffusing them.
Hostile Work Environments
Rodney Klein, Training Manager at the United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), clarifies the legal definition of hostile work environments and shares ways to both prevent and respond to them.
Gender-Based Violence
Sheerine Alemzadeh, co-founder of the Coalition Against Workplace Sexual Violence and co-founder of Healing to Action, explains gender-based violence and suggests ways to proactively address it.
Workplace Gossip
Peter Vajda, writer for Management Issues and coach at True North Partnering, defines workplace gossip and offers strategies to manage it.
Time-Sucking Interruptions
Helene Segura, author of The Inefficiency Assassin, outlines different kinds of time-sucking interruptions that reduce productivity at work and shares solutions to overcome them.
Impulsive Reactions
Dan Berstein, developer of MH Mediate’s Ready for Anything framework for addressing challenging behaviors, explains why we sometimes mistakenly act on gut feelings and how we can plan ahead instead.
Where do I go to purchase the All Access Pass?
The pass normally costs $297 but Conflict Connections subscribers can get a 50% discount, $148 off, if they use the coupon “NewYearSpecial” and purchase by Wednesday, January 9th. Visit https://www.workbehavior.us/register/all-access-pass/?coupon=NewYearSpecial to go directly to the checkout page with the coupon already applied. You will be able to create an account, pay by PayPal (use any major credit card, no account required), and get immediate access to the All Access Pass content.
If you’d like to read a bit more about the summit and experts, visit www.workbehavior.us – remember you’ll need to apply the NewYearSpecial coupon yourself to get the discount unless you use the longer direct link above.
Challenging Workplace Behavior Toolkit
Before Thanksgiving we launched the Challenging Workplace Behavior Summit. Over 250 professionals participated to learn from our 10 top global experts, resulting in a complete toolkit for the ten toughest behaviors at work:
- Workplace Incivility
- Passive Aggression
- Workplace Bullying
- Non-Stop Criticism
- Verbal Attacks
- Hostile Work Environments
- Gender-Based Violence including Sexual Harassment
- Workplace Gossip
- Time-Sucking Interruptions
- Impulsive Reactions
What tools are included in the Summit Toolkit?
Each behavior includes two 15-20 minute video interview programs, the first focused on understanding it and the second focused on strategies to address it. We also provide program notes (edited transcripts), behavior summaries (one-page quick-reference guides defining each behavior, explaining its impact, summarizing solutions, and including a key quote from the program), actionable take-away tools, and bonus items.
After accessing these resources, participants can:
- Understand the definitions, signs, and impact of challenging behaviors at work
- Be Equipped with tools to manage and respond to the ten toughest behaviors at work
- Feel Empowered in the face of challenging behaviors
- Access Quick References to review summaries of the behaviors
How can I access the Summit Toolkit?
All toolkit items are available with the purchase of a single All Access Pass that allows an individual user to access them on-demand whenever they’d like for an entire year. We’re giving Conflict Connections subscribers a 50% discount ending Wednesday, January 9th. Scroll to the bottom of this e-mail to get the coupon, or keep reading to see what people are saying about the programs and the All Access Pass!
What are people saying about the Individual Behavior Programs?
- “This provided great insight as well as tools to equip me as a manager This was very helpful, especially with a specific step-wise process for addressing passive aggressive behavior at work.”
(Passive Aggression) - “I will be using the suggestion to offer ‘two minutes right now, or ten minutes in an hour’ right away!”
(Time-Sucking Interruptions) - “Excellent discussion. Great infographic and very useful examples discussed during the presentation. Thanks.”
(Impulsive Reactions) - “This was excellent. Such a pervasive problem and the presenter provided great examples of strategies to address the issue.”
(Workplace Gossip) - “This was a great topic…had lots of good info about the differences between ‘illegal’ hostile environment vs. toxic and/or destructive work environment, ‘the gateway drug.'”
(Hostile Work Environments) - “Simple and effective technique for managing verbal attacks. Nice three-step approach. Explained well.”
(Verbal Attacks) - “Great speaker, great topic. Essential tools provided for changing negative behaviors and providing positive feedback.”
(Non-Stop Criticism) - “Very affirming to hear of the need to address incivility even if it is being experienced by a ‘velcro’ personality. Critical for hr/admin to understand that behaviors will escalate if not addressed.”(Workplace Incivility)
- “All three programs I tried today were really helpful. Thank you!”
(Workplace Incivility, Passive Aggression, and Workplace Bullying)
What are people saying about the Toolkit as a whole?
- “Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed and learned from the summit programs. I thought the format was great, with a sensitive moderator bringing out the nuggets of wisdom provided by the insightful and informative speakers. I also appreciated how you broke the presentations into two parts, one delineating the ‘issue’ and one focused on strategies to address it. I will continue to listen and learn.”
- “I’m just reading through the materials now…they are very helpful and I’m enjoying the format of the material. Well done! “
- “The resources are great…thanks so much!”
- “The videos are very informative, and have already introduced quite a number of ideas and insights I had not considered previously.”
Where do I go to purchase the All Access Pass?
The pass normally costs $297 but Conflict Connections subscribers can get a 50% discount, $148 off, if they use the coupon “NewYearSpecial” and purchase by Wednesday, January 9th. Visit https://www.workbehavior.us/register/all-access-pass/?coupon=NewYearSpecial to go directly to the checkout page with the coupon already applied. You will be able to create an account, pay by PayPal (use any major credit card, no account required), and get immediate access to the All Access Pass content. If you’d like to read a bit more about the summit and experts, visit www.workbehavior.us – remember you’ll need to apply the NewYearSpecial coupon yourself to get the discount unless you use the longer direct link above.
Listening Past The Judgments: Learning How To Communicate Compassionately
Quick Tips:
- Don’t react or respond to an angry person with
- Be empathetic with others in conversation and be empathetic with yourself.
- Go into conflict with a compassionate mind and heart and a goal to connect with the other person.
How do you have compassionate, non-violent communication?
- Observe the situation from a third party perspective. Imagine you are video recording the conflict, take note of what is said and what is done. It is important when doing this that you leave out your interpretation of what occurred and any judgments you might have. Reverend Phil Schulman explained that as a society we tend to listen with judgment naturally, but we must “learn to listen through those judgments” to communicate compassionately.
- Be mindful of the emotions you are feeling. Emotions are always present in conflict; it is necessary to acknowledge them and name them to begin addressing them. Phil Schulman suggests you avoid saying, “I feel that…,” “I feel as if…” or using “I feel” as a pronoun because you will be expressing a thought or interpretation and not an emotion.
- Ask yourself what do I need? What does the other person need? Identifying what both you and the other party needs is how you will form a connection and be able to move forward. When you can reach a place where you can link with the other person a shift will occur where solutions can then be generated productively.
- Request for something to fulfill a need but don’t demand. Once you recognize the needs for yourself and the other party, you can then request something that will contribute to fulfilling that value.
Your Assignment:
In our interview with Reverend Phil Schulman on The Texas Conflict Coach® podcast, Reverend Phil suggested an assignment that can assist you in having a compassionate conversation:
- Make a list of all the qualities (values and needs) you would like in a relationship.
- Think of something that someone said or did that made your life wonderful. Notice the values or needs from your list that were satisfied or roused during that moment.
- Once you have done this write out this formula and fill in the blanks with what is in parenthesis:
When I remember the way you did (Fill in what they said or did), I feel (The emotion that was roused) because I so value (Fill in what you value or need). Would you be willing to (Make a request that will help you achieve fulfillment of that value or need)?
To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire episode Compassionate Conversations.
Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Guest Blogger