Deescalating Verbal Attacks

After 28 years of marriage, you wouldn’t be surprised to hear me say my husband I and get into arguments, at times. Usually, it ends up with a sarcastic “You’re right, I am wrong” response. For us, they are small conflict skirmishes. Arguments, in general, emphasize binary thinking with opposites: truth/lie; right/wrong; black/white; yes/no; either/or and so forth. Over recent months, the COVID-19 pandemic puts a spotlight on binary thinking here in the U.S. Recently, when discussing the Stay at Home, Work Safe orders extending into June, someone said to me “It doesn’t matter…everyone is out and about anyway” which I silently thought “It DOES matter.” I checked my defensive instinct to react, paused, and replied with “maybe there is some truth to that statement.” This strategy essentially kept the conversation from quickly irking my friend and escalating into the same old debate patterns.

Binary thinking generally places each person in the argument on opposite sides of one another’s position. Oh, but to be right and win my argument! And yet, when I push my point where the other concedes, did I win? I must ask myself what the win is in being right…all the time especially when I know how it negatively impacts the relationship. It invalidates the other person’s point of view often making them feel unheard and not valued. A common conversation as of late is wearing masks out in public. It is one thing when a person chooses not to wear a mask because it is their right. When someone then says, “You should be wearing a mask!” when one believes they have a right not to wear a mask, the conversation quickly escalates into a conflict. And, we have already seen physical altercations and even people who have died as a result of these quickly heated disputes. I choose to wear a mask in public because of my weakened immune system to fight off COVID-19.

The impact of this type of dualistic thinking and our engagement with others is often perceived as an attack, a verbal attack, and commonly followed by a defensive reaction.  It also limits our ability to listen for different perspectives, douses our curiosity, and blinds us to new ideas and possibilities.

What do we do if we are on the receiving end of a verbal attack placing us in a position to fight, dismiss, or avoid the conversation altogether? As a novice Aikidoist, I have been practicing how to redirect verbal attacks. My motivation for pursuing Verbal Aikido is the self-mastery of redirecting these verbal conflict skirmishes without harming someone with my own words. It is about learning how to quickly “destabilize” the tension-filled attack to a conversation within a very short period in a couple of minutes. I have been applying a 3-step process guided by Luke Archer, master verbal Aikidoist and author of two Verbal Aikido books. The 3-step process is simple and yet the endless strategies require practice and time to master. The first step is learning how to find your center so when you are verbally attacked, you can find your balance quickly to engage the next two steps. And most importantly, this first step creates an open frame to listen. The second step is focused on seeking to understand the other person by “drawing out” and using empathetic listening. There are a number of short movements such as “Say more about what you mean” or “there may be some truth to that statement.” Another short movement I learned recently for this second step is to say in response to the verbal attack “That is one theory. Say more about where you learned this theory.” Then, listen for their understanding. The Aikidoist can then offer “Would you be willing to hear another perspective or theory?” Depending on how the other person responds, you can then move into the third step which is to offer an “Ai-Ki” as a way to rebalance the energy from escalation to conversation. The Aikidoist can say “How do you propose we move forward from this point?” or “If you are interested, let’s revisit and keep the dialogue going so we can fully understand each other. Would this work for you?” You can also say “Let’s agree to disagree.”

As I continue to work on my green belt in Verbal Aikido, I am blessed to be guided by Luke Archer. Anyone is invited to try out Verbal Aikido techniques. We practice virtually almost every Wednesday using the concept of the dojo practice mat where we verbally spar with each other applying the 3-step process and trying out different movements and techniques. To join, simply go to Verbal Aikido – The Club to check out the weekly dates and times the group meets on Zoom.

And, if you wish to get in-person training, I will be hosting Luke Archer with newSkool from France to conduct a two-day training in San Antonio this upcoming October. For more information, click HERE.

Patricia “Pattie” Porter, LCSW, ACC, ABW

CEO and Founder

Conflict Connections, Inc.

Verbal Self-Defense Begins with a Mindset of Compassion and Empathy

In my last blog post, Changing the Way We Handle Verbal Attacks, I shared that I began a journey in learning Verbal Aikido. What does it mean to learn the art of verbal self-defense? First, it means understanding the purpose and establishing a mindset behind this approach.

Morihei Ueshiba (pronounced Mora-hAY-wAY E-shE-ba) the founder and creator of the martial art of Aikido stated: “True victory is victory over self.” Being able to master oneself in how we engage and diffuse a defensive verbal attack without a counterattack that is equally or more destructive than the original attack takes intention and practice.

Aikido’s main principle supports neither combat nor aggression. In fact, Morihei Ueshiba firmly believed that this was the “..way of joining the peoples of the world together in peace.” Practitioners learn how to defend without harm to themselves and the attacker. The Japanese word “Ai” means harmony or balancing whereas “ki” is the energy force and “do” is the path. Ai-ki-do is the ‘path to balancing energy.’ In other words, being able to take the attacker’s negative energy and adeptly using your skills to shift the energy from negative, potentially escalating verbal exchange to a neutral or even positive shift. The shift would end the verbal exchange and potentially shift it to a mutual and constructive conversation.

Luke Archer, the author of Verbal Aikido: The Art of Directing Verbal Attacks to a Balanced Outcome, and my teacher, shares in his book and training that the mindset is key to setting your intention for this type of practice. First, it is establishing a mindset of compassion and empathy for the other person. For most of us, when we are being verbally attacked, we go into automatic pilot which means a lack of empathy from where the other person is coming from and why they are attacking in the first place. I know for myself personally, my mindset goes into gear with irritation and viewing the other person as an annoying problem or even threat. In that moment, I don’t see that person as human who is hurting or in fear. They are protecting some vital part of themselves. Second, it is important to understand we are trying to assist the other person to remain standing if you will, and ‘save face.’ You might be saying to yourself right now, “Are you kidding me? I need to protect myself too.” And yet, here is the problem. By reacting or counter-attacking with criticism, name-calling, blaming, etc., we are contributing to the problem and potentially making it worse. No one walks away feeling good about the encounter. It is not about winning or being right, it is about making a choice, remaining calm, and engaging the other person peacefully. “It is a way to live in harmony with others.”

Watch why I took the Verbal Aikido training with Luke Archer.  

Patricia M. Porter, LCSW, ACC

CEO and Founder
Conflict Connections, Inc.

Changing the Way I Handle Verbal Attacks

This is what you hear “You are late again!”  or “You keep making mistakes…FIX IT!” or “You never listen to me!” All of these statements are examples of a verbal attack. One of my personal challenges is how to deflect and master my in-the-moment reactions to verbal attacks. I don’t know about you but I can be very sensitive to unexpected and unwelcomed verbal attacks and without pausing or thinking, snap sarcastically and defend myself and sometimes with vigor. Then, I feel ashamed that I reacted so strongly given my professional study and work.

Most of my readers and podcast listeners know me as 25-year conflict management and resolution expert. And yet, I recognize the areas of communication struggle in my personal life. When I am working as a neutral or even teaching, training, facilitating or coaching, I have mastered remaining calm in the face of verbal assaults. It is a natural part of my conflict resolution work for people to displace their anger or frustration about the person or situation, they are in conflict with and yet, I have failed to master this at home with close interpersonal relationships.

I decided last year to purposefully pursue changing this destructive habit in my personal life. How do I catch myself in the moment from being impulsive, saying things that are hurtful or judgmental? How can I prevent a seemingly small incident from erupting into an emotionally-charged argument and see it grow into a conflict?

I went back into my Texas Conflict Coach® podcast library to revisit the work of Luke Archer on Verbal Aikido: Manage Verbal Attacks Peacefully and Effectively. I contacted him in late 2017 to revisit his work and invite him to be a guest expert on the Challenging Workplace Behavior Summit launched in 2018. It would be to my surprise when Luke informed me, he would be in Texas training Verbal Aikido principles and techniques at Sam Houston State University (SMSU) in October 2018 during Conflict Resolution Week. This week sponsored by Gene Roberts, Director of Student Legal and Mediation Services is a colleague. He and I both served back to back as Presidents of the Texas Association for Mediators (TAM). Gene invited me to be the keynote speaker for SHSU during the week and join Luke Archer’s training. It was a serendipitous moment. I felt blessed to be part of this week and meet Luke for the first time.

After the initial 2-day training, it was crystal clear that this would take practice and guidance by an expert. Luke offers a virtual “dojo” or practices mat to verbally spar with partners using the 3-step process we learned in training. We not only learn how to ground our basic foundation but we learn additional strategies to carry out each of the three steps. It is fun meeting people from different countries to practice around real-life examples.

My next few blog posts will focus on my journey, stumbles, strengths and insights into mastering verbal self-defense.

Patricia M. Porter, LCSW, ACC
CEO and Founder
Conflict Connections, Inc.

What Challenging Workplace Behavior Are You Dealing with in the New Year?

For the past year, Conflict Connections and MH Mediate have been developing a set of resources to help people address the ten toughest behaviors at work – everything from gossip to bullying, harassment, and hostile work environments.  Our Challenging Workplace Behavior Summit featured 10 top global experts brought together over 250 conflict and human resources practitioners and yielded the definitive toolkit for challenging behaviors at work.

All resources are designed to be extremely actionable – for each behavior we hosted two 15-20 minute programs, the first explaining the behavior and the second sharing strategies and solutions.  For each behavior we also put together a one-page summary (definition, impact, solutions, key quote), a full set of program notes, and a take-away tool.  
The take-away tools include:

• Engaging Passive Aggression Without Losing Your Cool (Tip sheet)
  
• Diffusing Verbal Attacks (Checklist)
  
• Preventing Hostile Work Environments (Checklist)
  
• Escaping and Reframing Workplace Gossip (Talking Points)
  
• Overcoming Time-Sucking Interruptions (Checklist)
  
• Responding to Gender-Based Violence (Tip sheet)
  
• Preventing and Overcoming Workplace Bullying (Tip sheet)
  
• Stopping and Balancing Criticism (Talking Points)
  
• Responding to Workplace Incivility (Checklist)
  
• 5 Steps to a Deliberate, Non-Impulsive Reaction (Infographic Framework)

Because we value Conflict Connections subscribers,we’re offering a discounted rate for the All Access Pass to these programs.  Instead of paying $297, if you use coupon “NewYearSpecial” you can pay just  $149 – that’s 50% off!  Discount ends on Wednesday, January 9th.

Visit https://www.workbehavior.us/register/all-access-pass/?coupon=NewYearSpecial to go directly to the checkout page with the coupon already applied.  You will be able to create an account, pay by PayPal (use any major credit card, no account required), and get immediate access to the All Access Pass content.

Take a look at our 10 behaviors and experts below:

Workplace Incivility

Sharone Bar-David, workplace incivility expert and the author of Trust Your Canary: Every Leader’s Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility, defines incivility at work and shares frameworks for managing these situations.

Passive Aggression

Signe Whitson, trainer and author of The Angry Smile: The New Psychological Study of Passive-Aggressive Behavior, introduces passive aggressive behaviors in the workplace and teaches techniques for overcoming them.

Workplace Bullying

Catherine Mattice Zundel, a founder of the National Workplace Bullying Coalition and the author of BACK OFF! Your Kick-Ass Guide to Ending Bullying at Work, explains what constitutes bullying at work and offers steps for victims, bystanders, and managers.

Non-Stop Criticism

Krister Ungerboeck, CEO Coach and former CEO of a global tech company, explains when criticism becomes a problem and shares powerful solutions.

Verbal Attacks

Luke Archer, the founder of Verbal Akido, defines verbal attacks and teaches akido-inspired tactics for diffusing them.

Hostile Work Environments

Rodney Klein, Training Manager at the United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), clarifies the legal definition of hostile work environments and shares ways to both prevent and respond to them.

Gender-Based Violence

Sheerine Alemzadeh, co-founder of the Coalition Against Workplace Sexual Violence and co-founder of Healing to Action, explains gender-based violence and suggests ways to proactively address it.

Workplace Gossip

Peter Vajda, writer for Management Issues and coach at True North Partnering, defines workplace gossip and offers strategies to manage it.

Time-Sucking Interruptions

Helene Segura, author of The Inefficiency Assassin, outlines different kinds of time-sucking interruptions that reduce productivity at work and shares solutions to overcome them.

Impulsive Reactions

Dan Berstein, developer of MH Mediate’s Ready for Anything framework for addressing challenging behaviors, explains why we sometimes mistakenly act on gut feelings and how we can plan ahead instead.

Where do I go to purchase the All Access Pass?
The pass normally costs $297 but Conflict Connections subscribers can get a 50% discount, $148 off, if they use the coupon “NewYearSpecial” and purchase by Wednesday, January 9th.  Visit https://www.workbehavior.us/register/all-access-pass/?coupon=NewYearSpecial to go directly to the checkout page with the coupon already applied.  You will be able to create an account, pay by PayPal (use any major credit card, no account required), and get immediate access to the All Access Pass content.  

If you’d like to read a bit more about the summit and experts, visit www.workbehavior.us – remember you’ll need to apply the NewYearSpecial coupon yourself to get the discount unless you use the longer direct link above.

Challenging Workplace Behavior Toolkit

Before Thanksgiving we launched the Challenging Workplace Behavior Summit. Over 250 professionals participated to learn from our 10 top global experts, resulting in a complete toolkit for the ten toughest behaviors at work:

• Workplace Incivility
• Passive Aggression
• Workplace Bullying
• Non-Stop Criticism
• Verbal Attacks
• Hostile Work Environments
• Gender-Based Violence including Sexual Harassment
• Workplace Gossip
• Time-Sucking Interruptions
• Impulsive Reactions

What tools are included in the Summit Toolkit?

Each behavior includes two 15-20 minute video interview programs, the first focused on understanding it and the second focused on strategies to address it.  We also provide program notes (edited transcripts), behavior summaries (one-page quick-reference guides defining each behavior, explaining its impact, summarizing solutions, and including a key quote from the program), actionable take-away tools, and bonus items.
After accessing these resources, participants can:

• Understand the definitions, signs, and impact of challenging behaviors at work
• Be Equipped with tools to manage and respond to the ten toughest behaviors at work
• Feel Empowered in the face of challenging behaviors
• Access Quick References to review summaries of the behaviors

How can I access the Summit Toolkit?

All toolkit items are available with the purchase of a single All Access Pass that allows an individual user to access them on-demand whenever they’d like for an entire year.  We’re giving Conflict Connections subscribers a 50% discount ending Wednesday, January 9th.  Scroll to the bottom of this e-mail to get the coupon, or keep reading to see what people are saying about the programs and the All Access Pass!
What are people saying about the Individual Behavior Programs?

• “This provided great insight as well as tools to equip me as a manager  This was very helpful, especially with a specific step-wise process for addressing passive aggressive behavior at work.”
  (Passive Aggression)
• “I will be using the suggestion to offer ‘two minutes right now, or ten minutes in an hour’ right away!” 
  (Time-Sucking Interruptions)
• “Excellent discussion. Great infographic and very useful examples discussed during the presentation. Thanks.”
  (Impulsive Reactions)
• “This was excellent. Such a pervasive problem and the presenter provided great examples of strategies to address the issue.”
  (Workplace Gossip)
• “This was a great topic…had lots of good info about the differences between ‘illegal’ hostile environment vs. toxic and/or destructive work environment, ‘the gateway drug.'”
  (Hostile Work Environments)
• “Simple and effective technique for managing verbal attacks. Nice three-step approach. Explained well.”
  (Verbal Attacks)
• “Great speaker, great topic. Essential tools provided for changing negative behaviors and providing positive feedback.”
  (Non-Stop Criticism)
• “Very affirming to hear of the need to address incivility even if it is being experienced by a ‘velcro’ personality. Critical for hr/admin to understand that behaviors will escalate if not addressed.”(Workplace Incivility)
• “All three programs I tried today were really helpful. Thank you!” 
  (Workplace Incivility, Passive Aggression, and Workplace Bullying)

What are people saying about the Toolkit as a whole?

• “Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed and learned from the summit programs.  I thought the format was great, with a sensitive moderator bringing out the nuggets of wisdom provided by the insightful and informative speakers. I also appreciated how you broke the presentations into two parts, one delineating the ‘issue’ and one focused on strategies to address it.  I will continue to listen and learn.”
• “I’m just reading through the materials now…they are very helpful and I’m enjoying the format of the material. Well done! “
• “The resources are great…thanks so much!”
• “The videos are very informative, and have already introduced quite a number of ideas and insights I had not considered previously.”

Where do I go to purchase the All Access Pass?
The pass normally costs $297 but Conflict Connections subscribers can get a 50% discount, $148 off, if they use the coupon “NewYearSpecial” and purchase by Wednesday, January 9th.  Visit https://www.workbehavior.us/register/all-access-pass/?coupon=NewYearSpecial to go directly to the checkout page with the coupon already applied.  You will be able to create an account, pay by PayPal (use any major credit card, no account required), and get immediate access to the All Access Pass content.  If you’d like to read a bit more about the summit and experts, visit www.workbehavior.us – remember you’ll need to apply the NewYearSpecial coupon yourself to get the discount unless you use the longer direct link above.

Free Expert Interviews for the 10 Toughest Behaviors at Work – Challenging Workplace Behavior Summit

Whether it’s gossip, harassment, or time-sucking interruptions we have all encountered challenging behaviors in the workplace.  Have you ever wished you knew what to do when they happened?

If you’re like us, the answer is yes.  That’s why we spent a year finding ten top global experts to help us understand and manage the ten toughest behaviors at work.  Register now for free access to the Challenging Workplace Behavior Summit to watch our interviews. The summit launches on Tuesday, November 13th and it covers:

• Workplace Bullying

• Gender-Based Violence

• Workplace Incivility

• Verbal Attacks

• Workplace Gossip

• Non-Stop Criticism

• Time-Sucking Interruptions

• Hostile Work Environments

• Passive Aggression

• Impulsive Reactions

Each day, we’ll share action-oriented expert interviews about these challenging workplace behaviors.  Part 1 of every interview focuses on understanding the behavior. Part 2 is all about strategies.

Register for free at www.workbehavior.us/register – all it takes is your e-mail address and we’ll let you know when the programs go live.

Listening to Your Triggers – How to Suspend Judgment When You Are Angry

Pertinent Points

• A hot button or trigger word can be words, a tone of voice, or a particular way someone conveys body language that sets you off.
• Everyone has different hot buttons and trigger words that can cause them to become angry.
• When we are feeling triggered we automatically rush to judgment about what the other person is saying or doing.

Key Question: How can you listen past their anger or yours?

Identify your physiological triggers.

It is essential to know when you begin feeling triggered, whether your face gets hot, shoulders tense, or your stomach starts turning, being able to recognize when you are triggered helps you to be more efficient in addressing it.

Take the judgment out of what happened.

When we are in a hot-button moment, we unconsciously jump to judgment. We feel accused, devalued, disrespected, or powerless. We judge what the person said and frame it negatively without considering that what we interpreted may not have been what the person intended.

Breathe to Calm Judgmental Thoughts.

Take deep breaths to calm yourself when you are feeling triggered. By taking deep breaths, you allow oxygen to the brain which can directly impact the adrenaline pumping through your system. By calming yourself down, you allow yourself to hear what the other person is saying without becoming defensive.

Be Curious in Conversation.

Ask the person questions about what they are thinking and feeling, to learn more about what is going on with them. Observe what is going on with the other person so you can begin to understand and question the situation.

Develop Self- Empathy.

Identify your feeling words to understand and determine what exactly you need at that moment.

Assignment for the week:

In our interview with Susan H. Shearouse on the Texas Conflict Coach® podcast, Susan suggested an assignment to listen to your reactions. Listen for the moments when you are hooked by trigger words and hot buttons, and spend some time identifying your feelings at that moment and what your needs are to address those feelings.

To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire episode entitled, Hot Buttons and Trigger Words: How to Listen Past Your Anger or Theirs.

Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management

Guest Blogger

Take Five! – How Adults Can Benefit from a Time Out

Clock

A time-out according to Wikipedia, “Is a form of behavioral modification that involves temporarily separating a person from an environment where unacceptable behavior has occurred.” It is a disciplining technique we associate with children. The logic behind the time-out method is that if you remove the child from a fun surrounding when they do something wrong, then it will eliminate that behavior.

Although this is a popular discipline method with children, it is also one that adults can and should use as well. I am not ashamed to admit that my husband Bernard has successfully used this technique on me, whether he is aware of it or not.

Before I explain how he did this, I must first clarify why it was necessary. My preset response when in conflict is to fight. By this I mean, I won’t listen, I get defensive, I make demands, I speak in absolutes, and lastly, the worst, in my opinion, I yell. Many times when my emotions are running high, I don’t even realize my voice has gone up two octaves. Although I have made numerous changes in how I engage in conflict, I feel I will always be a work in progress. It is not simple to make modifications to our behavior without mindfulness, perseverance, and I believe the help of others. Which brings me back to my husband, Bernard and how he assisted in correcting my conflict behavior.

We got into a heated conflict some months back. I was yelling, and Bernard asked me to stop. I responded how I always did when he said this to me, “I am not yelling.” Finally, Bernard had reached his tolerance limit and told me that we were having a verbal time-out for five minutes. I began to protest, but he held up his hand implying he would not be continuing unless I stop speaking for five minutes. So I sat in silence, at first I was annoyed by this pause.

It felt like a break and taking a break from conflict always felt counter-intuitive to me. While I know it can be helpful for you to calm down and be more productive when you come back to it, I still felt like it thwarted the momentum of the discussion. Usually, one person initiates the break, and it is that person who seems to hold power as to when the conversation recommences. Being as I am impatient I never liked conflicts to linger, and I found when breaks were initiated it prolonged a resolution.

As I continued to sit in silence, I noticed that I had calm down. When Bernard spoke after the five minutes, he said, ” Okay, I am willing to listen to you if you speak calmly, if you start yelling I’m initiating another time-out.” I felt irritated that he spoke to me like a kid, but in hindsight, my yelling did mirror a temper-tantrum thrown by a child. Now months later, I can acknowledge that his insistence on a five-minute time-out when I would start yelling (this occurred several more times) is what led to the minimizing of that behavior. I now will catch and correct myself before he even has an opportunity to say something.

If you are like me, you are not a fan of time-outs when in a fight. A break meaning you leave the room or house, go for a drive or a walk, or do something else for a while and then come back to the conversation after some time has passed. Try taking a five-minute time-out instead. It removes the fear that the conflict will go unaddressed or that you won’t revisit it later. While also giving you a moment to calm yourself down.

Just like with children, a time-out can be beneficial for addressing and even eliminating poor behavior and assist you in becoming a better you in conflict.

Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management

Guest Blogger

Blaming and Shaming Language – Stop The Shoulding

Illustration depicting an aerosol can with a blame remover concept.

Quick Tips We can stop “shoulding” on people by:

• Changing our language – use “I” instead of “you” when addressing issues
• Accepting ownership for our own actions
• Turning negative self-talk into positive thoughts about ourselves

Key Question: How do I stop “shoulding” on people?

What is “shoulding?”

“You should have taken out the garbage before you went to work.”  “You should have checked the oil before you drove it.”  “You should have told her to bug off.”  Sound familiar?

Why we “should” on others

Unfulfilled expectations can be disheartening and damaging.  When things that we anticipate don’t come true, things come crashing down around us.  We have put too much of our success, happiness and needs on the shoulders of others.  When we are not happy, we tell ourselves it is their fault. They should do something different.

The effect of “shoulding”

Just hearing the word “should” places people in the position to justify, defend or retaliate.  “Shoulding” is blaming language and conveys a tone and attitude of judgment, disappointment or disapproval. This language can initiate or intensify conflict.

Replace “shoulding”

Use language that clearly conveys your needs and feelings in a way that you will be heard.  Avoid accusing others. Start sentences with “I” vs. “You.”

Instead of saying,  “You should have been straight with us.”

Say, “I am really angry and I need to understand what happened.”

Take responsibility:

Notice what “should” implies.  It implies some need that is not being met.  Dig deeper and ask what you are really upset about.

Shoulding can be blaming on everyone else rather than accepting responsibility for ourselves.  We can always take responsibility for our response.

Be Specific

Be very clear about what concerns you.  Avoid using “you,” speak from your own perspective.

Instead of saying:  “I felt really frustrated when you….”

Say:  “I felt really frustrated when “x” happened and the reason I was frustrated is that it undermined my authority.”

End with a Resolution Request

End with a request prevent conflict in the future.

Say:  “How can we handle this differently in the future? 

Or: “How can I prevent this in the future?”

Your Assignment

An assignment that can help you avoid “shoulding” on people:

• Count and note the number of “shoulds” you hear this week.
• Make a mental note of how people react if you or someone else “shoulds” on them

To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire podcast, Stop Shoulding on People  https://www.texasconflictcoach.com/2010/stop-shoulding-on-people/

Patricia “Pattie” Porter, LCSW, ABW, AAP

The Texas Conflict Coach

Working Towards Forgiveness – A Model to Bring Peace to Your Life

Pertinent Points:

• Forgiveness is a healthy and positive action you take for yourself.
  

  Peace and Forgiveness

• Forgiveness can happen without reconciliation. However, reconciliation cannot proceed without forgiveness.
• Apologies are never guaranteed. Forgiveness can occur without receiving an apology.
• When you forgive someone, you are NOT condoning what they did or implying that it is okay.

How can the P.E.A.C.E Model assist in forgiveness work?

1. Perception and Clarification. Think about clarifying your perceptions of your needs, values, and desires. Dr. LaVena Wilkin says to ask yourself, “How are you benefiting from holding onto the anger? How would you benefit if you released that anger, resentment, and blame?” Be honest with your responses.
2. Empathetic Listening. Listen to your heart, and put aside what your ego and pride are telling you. Ignore the voice telling you that if you forgive this person, then you are saying it is okay what they did.
3. Appreciating Diversity. Appreciate and acknowledge all the different feelings and emotions that are coming up for you. You are not wrong to feel what you feel.
4. Collaborative Problem-Solving. Forgiveness takes work. While collaborating with the person with whom you are angry is ideal, sometimes that person doesn’t believe they did anything wrong and are unwilling to work with you to reconcile. Instead, reach out to your support network and do collaborative problem-solving with them.
5. Emotional Intelligence. Be aware of what triggers you and why. Don’t deny your anger, instead acknowledge it. Dr. LaVena Wilkin explains, “When you are aware of your emotions you can discriminate against them and better understand why you do the things you do and why others do the thing they do.”

Your Assignment:

In our interview with Dr. LaVena Wilkin on The Texas Conflict Coach® podcast, Dr. Wilkins’ suggested an assignment that can assist you in forgiving others. This is task is for YOU.  Dr. Wilkins’ asks you to “Think about an area in your life that needs forgiveness work. Use the P.E.A.C.E Model to reflect and work through that area.”

To learn more about forgiveness, listen to the entire episode entitled: Forgiveness: The Gift You Give to Yourself

Abigail R.C. McManus, M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management

Guest Blogger