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How to Help Others Hear Us in Conflict Conversations

Posted on Aug 17 2017 under Blog Posts

sculpture(silence)

Quick Tips

  1. Avoid rambling.
  2. Use their words.
  3. Ask yourself if what you are going to say will make a positive impact.  

How do we help the other person hear us?

Acknowledge the message.  Let the speaker know that they have been heard – this will pave the way for them to hear you.  Simply restating or clarifying what you have heard acknowledges their message.

Honor their truth.  What the speaker is saying is truth to them.  Avoid challenging their truth.  Understand that while it may not be your reality, it is theirs.   Respect their reality and point of view.

Control your voice.  Pay attention to your voice tone.  Think of a person whose voice irritates you.  How difficult is it to listen to them?

Women often have a high pitched or shrill tone, especially when they are deeply committed to what they are saying. Listen to how you sound.  You may have to work on your voice tone to make it more pleasing to listen to.

Choose your words wisely.  Pay attention to the words you use.

Reflect the speaker’s words.  Using the same vocabulary creates a connection.

Avoid rambling and get to the point so that you don’t lose the person’s attention.

Use silence well.  Often saying nothing communicates more than words.  Silence can encourage the speaker to continue if they are not finished.  It helps you to formulate your response and demonstrates that you are thoughtfully considering what they have said.  Practice waiting 5-10 seconds before responding.

Test before you speak.  Rebecca Shafir, author of “The Zen of Listening,” suggests that you ask yourself the following before you speak:  “Is what I am going to say kind, true, necessary and an improvement upon the silence?”

 

Your Assignment

In my interview with author Rebecca Shafir on The Texas Conflict Coach® podcast, Rebecca suggested an assignment that can improve listening:

  • Practice meditation. Meditation teaches us how to allow silence and how to improve concentration and focus.  If you are not familiar with meditation, you can begin with meditating only 5-10 minutes.

To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire episode Mindful Listening in the Age of Distraction

 

Patricia M Porter, LCSW

Conflict Management Expert


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