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  • Pertinent Points

    • A hot button or trigger word can be words, a tone of voice, or a particular way someone conveys body language that sets you off.
    • Everyone has different hot buttons and trigger words that can cause them to become angry.
    • When we are feeling triggered we automatically rush to judgment about what the other person is saying or doing.

    Key Question: How can you listen past their anger or yours?

    Identify your physiological triggers.

    It is essential to know when you begin feeling triggered, whether your face gets hot, shoulders tense, or your stomach starts turning, being able to recognize when you are triggered helps you to be more efficient in addressing it.

    Take the judgment out of what happened.

    When we are in a hot-button moment, we unconsciously jump to judgment. We feel accused, devalued, disrespected, or powerless. We judge what the person said and frame it negatively without considering that what we interpreted may not have been what the person intended.

    Breathe to Calm Judgmental Thoughts.

    Take deep breaths to calm yourself when you are feeling triggered. By taking deep breaths, you allow oxygen to the brain which can directly impact the adrenaline pumping through your system. By calming yourself down, you allow yourself to hear what the other person is saying without becoming defensive.

    Be Curious in Conversation.

    Ask the person questions about what they are thinking and feeling, to learn more about what is going on with them. Observe what is going on with the other person so you can begin to understand and question the situation.

    Develop Self- Empathy.

    Identify your feeling words to understand and determine what exactly you need at that moment.

    Assignment for the week:

    In our interview with Susan H. Shearouse on the Texas Conflict Coach® podcast, Susan suggested an assignment to listen to your reactions. Listen for the moments when you are hooked by trigger words and hot buttons, and spend some time identifying your feelings at that moment and what your needs are to address those feelings.

    To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire episode entitled, Hot Buttons and Trigger Words: How to Listen Past Your Anger or Theirs.

    Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management

    Guest Blogger

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  •  

    Clock

    A time-out according to Wikipedia, “Is a form of behavioral modification that involves temporarily separating a person from an environment where unacceptable behavior has occurred.” It is a disciplining technique we associate with children. The logic behind the time-out method is that if you remove the child from a fun surrounding when they do something wrong, then it will eliminate that behavior.

    Although this is a popular discipline method with children, it is also one that adults can and should use as well. I am not ashamed to admit that my husband Bernard has successfully used this technique on me, whether he is aware of it or not.

    Before I explain how he did this, I must first clarify why it was necessary. My preset response when in conflict is to fight. By this I mean, I won’t listen, I get defensive, I make demands, I speak in absolutes, and lastly, the worst, in my opinion, I yell. Many times when my emotions are running high, I don’t even realize my voice has gone up two octaves. Although I have made numerous changes in how I engage in conflict, I feel I will always be a work in progress. It is not simple to make modifications to our behavior without mindfulness, perseverance, and I believe the help of others. Which brings me back to my husband, Bernard and how he assisted in correcting my conflict behavior.

    We got into a heated conflict some months back. I was yelling, and Bernard asked me to stop. I responded how I always did when he said this to me, “I am not yelling.” Finally, Bernard had reached his tolerance limit and told me that we were having a verbal time-out for five minutes. I began to protest, but he held up his hand implying he would not be continuing unless I stop speaking for five minutes. So I sat in silence, at first I was annoyed by this pause.

    It felt like a break and taking a break from conflict always felt counter-intuitive to me. While I know it can be helpful for you to calm down and be more productive when you come back to it, I still felt like it thwarted the momentum of the discussion. Usually, one person initiates the break, and it is that person who seems to hold power as to when the conversation recommences. Being as I am impatient I never liked conflicts to linger, and I found when breaks were initiated it prolonged a resolution.

    As I continued to sit in silence, I noticed that I had calm down. When Bernard spoke after the five minutes, he said, ” Okay, I am willing to listen to you if you speak calmly, if you start yelling I’m initiating another time-out.” I felt irritated that he spoke to me like a kid, but in hindsight, my yelling did mirror a temper-tantrum thrown by a child. Now months later, I can acknowledge that his insistence on a five-minute time-out when I would start yelling (this occurred several more times) is what led to the minimizing of that behavior. I now will catch and correct myself before he even has an opportunity to say something.

    If you are like me, you are not a fan of time-outs when in a fight. A break meaning you leave the room or house, go for a drive or a walk, or do something else for a while and then come back to the conversation after some time has passed. Try taking a five-minute time-out instead. It removes the fear that the conflict will go unaddressed or that you won’t revisit it later. While also giving you a moment to calm yourself down.

    Just like with children, a time-out can be beneficial for addressing and even eliminating poor behavior and assist you in becoming a better you in conflict.

    Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management

    Guest Blogger

    Leave a Reply
  • Illustration depicting an aerosol can with a blame remover concept.

    Quick Tips We can stop “shoulding” on people by:

    • Changing our language – use “I” instead of “you” when addressing issues
    • Accepting ownership for our own actions
    • Turning negative self-talk into positive thoughts about ourselves

    Key Question: How do I stop “shoulding” on people?

    What is “shoulding?”

    “You should have taken out the garbage before you went to work.”  “You should have checked the oil before you drove it.”  “You should have told her to bug off.”  Sound familiar?

     

    Why we “should” on others

    Unfulfilled expectations can be disheartening and damaging.  When things that we anticipate don’t come true, things come crashing down around us.  We have put too much of our success, happiness and needs on the shoulders of others.  When we are not happy, we tell ourselves it is their fault. They should do something different.

    The effect of “shoulding”

    Just hearing the word “should” places people in the position to justify, defend or retaliate.  “Shoulding” is blaming language and conveys a tone and attitude of judgment, disappointment or disapproval. This language can initiate or intensify conflict.

    Replace “shoulding”

    Use language that clearly conveys your needs and feelings in a way that you will be heard.  Avoid accusing others. Start sentences with “I” vs. “You.”

    Instead of saying,  “You should have been straight with us.”

    Say, “I am really angry and I need to understand what happened.”

    Take responsibility:

    Notice what “should” implies.  It implies some need that is not being met.  Dig deeper and ask what you are really upset about.

    Shoulding can be blaming on everyone else rather than accepting responsibility for ourselves.  We can always take responsibility for our response.

    Be Specific

    Be very clear about what concerns you.  Avoid using “you,” speak from your own perspective.

    Instead of saying:  “I felt really frustrated when you….”

    Say:  “I felt really frustrated when “x” happened and the reason I was frustrated is that it undermined my authority.”

    End with a Resolution Request

    End with a request prevent conflict in the future.

    Say:  “How can we handle this differently in the future? 

    Or: “How can I prevent this in the future?”

    Your Assignment

    An assignment that can help you avoid “shoulding” on people:

    • Count and note the number of “shoulds” you hear this week.
    • Make a mental note of how people react if you or someone else “shoulds” on them

    To learn more about this topic, listen to the entire podcast, Stop Shoulding on People  http://www.texasconflictcoach.com/2010/stop-shoulding-on-people/

    Patricia “Pattie” Porter, LCSW, ABW, AAP

    The Texas Conflict Coach

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