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  • Photo by Abigail R.C. McManus

    Photo by Abigail R.C. McManus

    My niece turns two years old this week, and instead of toys, I like to buy her books. I always loved getting new books and hearing new stories as a kid, and that hasn’t changed since becoming an adult. I was walking through the Children’s section at the book store the other day looking for books for my niece when I stumbled upon a book titled, What Do You Do With A Problem by Kobi Yamada (author) and Mae Besom (Illustrator). The book begins with the child having a nameless problem. The problem is small at first, but as the child tries to ignore it, they find that it just becomes bigger, consuming their thoughts, and affecting their life. Finally, the child decides to face the problem head on and discovers their problem, “…held an opportunity. It was an opportunity for me to learn and to grow. To be brave. To do something.” The illustrations parallel the message, at the beginning of the story the pictures are gloomy and gray but as the child faces their problem, the images become more colorful. I love this book, and the message it conveys to kids. Avoiding a problem will likely only make it worse, and once you face it, you will discover there is something you can learn from it.

    The book brought to my attention the unique ability adults have to convey conflict resolution, mindfulness, and problem-solving to their kids. I have theorized for many years that conflict resolution should be taught as a course in school. I feel if an emphasis was placed on tiny humans to learn to be mindful of themselves and resolve conflict constructively it will evolve into adulthood and then there is a potential that future generations will have more peaceful interactions than today.

    I love that there are many children’s books promoting mindfulness and conflict resolution. I compiled a book list below of some other impressive options and the messages they convey that emphasize key elements in mindfulness and conflict resolution:

    Thanks for the Feedback, I think? By Julia Cook  (Author), Kelsey De Weerd (Illustrator)

    • The book teaches children about receiving positive and negative feedback and how to act when you receive it.

    My Mouth is a Volcano! By Julia Cook (Author), Carrie Hartman (Illustrator)

    • The book in a humorous way teaches children about listening to others, not interrupting, and being respectful.

    Decibella and Her 6-Inch Mouth By Julia Cook (Author), Anita Du Falla ( Illustrator)

    • The book outlines how you can use your voice in varied situations to convey different messages and feelings.

    What If Everybody Did That? By Ellen Javernick

    • The book teaches that there are positive and negative consequences of your actions and how those actions affect the people and world around us.

    Cool Down and Work Through Anger By Cheri J. Meiners M.Ed

    • The book discusses the complex emotion of anger and how to work through it constructively.

    The books listed above are just a few amazing options to teach children constructive conflict resolution skills like managing emotions, listening, productively conveying your message, handling feedback, and tackling problems head on rather than avoiding. Those skills are difficult for many adults to learn, therefore, teaching them to children early on can alter how they interact with others for the rest of their life.

    What other children’s books discuss conflict resolution and mindfulness? Share  your findings in our comment section below!

     

    Have a great week,

    Abigail R.C. McManus, M.S. Negotiation and Conflict Management.

    Guest Blogger

     

     

    Leave a Reply
  • Coffee Station

    Photo by Patricia M. Porter

    If you have been reading my latest blog posts on managing change, you might wonder how the new neighborhood coffee house is doing since they opened. La Taza Java Coffee house re-opened in early July under a new owner, Corrina Perez. Corinna, a regular customer of La Taza for years, like myself, made a big leap of faith and a decision to keep our local gathering place from closing forever. With anticipation, I stepped into the shop, it had familiarity, and yet it changed. Things were different. It had a fresh and clean look, a wall removed creating an open feel, and they chose a local artist to feature her paintings along the walls. Even the coffee beans and food product lines changed. Corrina is all about partnerships and community building which means fresh bagels from another locally and family owned business, Bagel Factory. I recall feeling good about the changes, and Corrina greeted me warmly as I entered the shop. I even saw familiar faces, so it felt comforting.

    With any change and transition, we first need to recognize the past before accepting and celebrating the new. The local customers along with the previous owner, Judy Hanley, hosted a goodbye party. Then, you know from my last blog post When Change Happens: Maneuvering Through The Unknown that there is a second transition with a period of confusion, delay and sometimes lack of communication. Once we move through this zone, then the path becomes clearer. In the third transition of change management, we engage in celebrating a fresh start. This beginning comes with new systems or ways of doing things. For example, Corrina set up a self-serve coffee station along with fresh cold brew coffee. In the past, I would run a tab paid in advance. Although Corrina did not have a system in place for this, she immediately inquired about this process and demonstrated a desire to understand and meet the needs of her customers. She is now considering a couple of options for frequent coffee drinkers. As I approached the self-serve coffee station, I lightly joked with another long-time customer that it would take some visits to learn the revised ways and taste the new products.

    What does it take to implement new changes in your life or business successfully?

    • Recognize everyone transitions at a different pace with some embracing change quickly, others reluctantly moving forward and yet a few individuals refusing to let go of the traditional ways.
    • Keep listening for concerns, unmet needs, and confusion. Acknowledge for that individual what you heard as important to them.
    • Be honest and transparent in your communications. It is critical to moving through the usual chaos that comes with big
    • Check and change your attitude. Ruminating in negativity keeps you stuck in the past. Demonstrating a neutral or positive attitude helps you move forward through the transitions.
    • Show You might be super excited about the fresh start and wonder why everyone is not experiencing the same excitement. Be curious, ask questions such as “What is keeping you back there?” or “What are you giving away with this new change?”

    Celebrating a fresh start is more about a psychological shift in how we think and feel about the change. Mark the occasion with another event like a celebratory gathering with friends or family, a ribbon-cutting ceremony, and in the case of La Taza Java Coffee House, an Open House to announce to the community, we are here and ready to serve you. Stay tuned at La Taza Java Coffee House Facebook page for the Open House event.

    Patricia M. Porter, LCSW

    Conflict Management Expert

     

     

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  • sculpture-2209152_1920We have all met nosy people in our lives. Nosy people ask intrusive and sometimes rude questions, they overstep boundaries, and they tend to make others feel uncomfortable. What I find interesting is in situations where I am speaking with a nosy person, they don’t seem all that interested in my responses on the subject just in how the information I provide effects them.

    For example, I have a nosy coworker; I will call her Dana. Dana has been training another coworker; I will call her Sandy. Sandy and I have an established relationship as I worked with her previously at another company. Since we have a relationship, Sandy feels comfortable coming to me if she is struggling with a particular issue, to get my guidance or perspective. Last week, Sandy was in my cubicle, and Dana walked by and jokingly asked if we were gossiping, to which we laughed and said “No” as we weren’t. Dana then left for her lunch break, upon returning she then proceeded to ask me what we were discussing and if it was about her. I have found myself in this situation with Dana many times, where she boldly asks about my conversations with other coworkers and even our boss.

    When this incident occurred last week, I recognized that I was getting triggered by Dana’s intrusive question. I became mindful of my annoyance, and I felt the strong urge to bite my tongue to avoid saying anything that could escalate a conflict or that I would regret. Once Dana walked away I reflected on this, why did Dana’s question trigger such a strong emotional response from me? I felt irritated because I value privacy.  Dana assumed she’s entitled to this information and she seems to lack of awareness that it is none of her business what I discuss with my coworkers or boss. Once I acknowledged why I felt triggered, I was able to determine what I can do next time I am faced with a nosy intrusion – not just from Dana but anyone.

    Don’t lash out. The question they are asking can be rude and inappropriate. It can be natural to respond in the same fashion. However, as I mentioned before, negatively responding could cause a conflict to escalate and make the situation worse.

    Change Subjects or Postpone. If you are uncomfortable, try to shift the topic to something different. Ask them a question about something unrelated to take the spotlight off of you. Or, postpone responding altogether by saying, ” Would you mind if we discuss this later? I am in the middle of something that I need to finish.”

    Be honest. Vocalize to the person what you are feeling and be truthful in how you respond. You could say, “Dana, I know you like to be included, and yet, I feel it is intrusive when my private conversations are being interrupted by your need to know all that is said. I assure you that I am not talking about you or gossiping.”

    Have a “go to” response. Prepare a generic response for when you get asked a meddlesome question and keep it short. You could say, ” I feel uncomfortable talking about private matters.”

    Respond to the question, with a question. I thought this might be the best course of action with Dana. Next time she asks about what I was discussing with a coworker, I can respond by asking, “Say more as to why this is important for you to know my conversations.” If she responds that She wanted to know “if we were talking about her?” I could ask, ” What makes you believe we were talking about you?” By doing this, it takes the attention off of you and puts it back on the asker. However, be mindful of your tone to make sure you don’t sound defensive, or angry.

    Family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, complete strangers, all have the potential to ask nosy questions, knowing how to respond and handle those encounters constructively can make an uncomfortable situation more pleasant.

     

    Abigail R.C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management

    Guest Blogger

    Leave a Reply


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