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Disputes have existed as long as there have been people. Ways to resolve disputes have also existed just as long. But now, technology has made some of the oldest ways to resolve disputes new again and better than ever! Now you can settle differences with other people or businesses without ever leaving your home, office or business. Read, Listen, Share »
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The holiday season is creeping into stores earlier, and earlier it would seem. By Thanksgiving, you almost feel like you are behind on your Christmas shopping. Well for this post we have compiled a list of our top gift choices for the peace in your life. Christmas shopping doesn’t have to be stressful, give a gift to bring peace and resolve conflict to your loved ones!
Holiday Shopping List
Author: Pattie Porter
Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
Author: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, forward by Roger Fisher
Author: Louise Senft and William Senft
Author: Eric R. Galton and Lela P. Love
Starring: William Hurt and Chiwetel Ejiofor
Starring: Hilary Swank and Patrick Dempsey
Directed by Alex Kotlowitz and Steve James
Have a safe and happy holiday!
Abigail R. C. McManus M.S Negotiation and Conflict Management
Have you ever come into work after a long weekend and the smell of new carpet or paint was overwhelming? The first thing we want to do is open a window to let in some fresh air. If we cannot air out the room fast enough, we get headaches and have difficulty concentrating because of the fumes. Incivility in the workplace operates like these toxic fumes. Consultant Sharone Bar-David says, “Workplace incivility refers to those seemingly insignificant behaviors that are rude, disrespectful, discourteous, or insensitive, where the intent to harm is ambiguous or unclear.” The behaviors can include a co-worker who repeatedly avoids saying hello in passing, the team who leaves for lunch without inviting you, eye rolling while another team member is talking.
Dr. Derald Wing Sue’s book Microaggressions in Everyday Life (2010) specifically discusses put-downs based on race, gender, or sexual orientation. Insensitive comments such as, “I’m not a racist, some of my best friends are black,” and “You are very articulate… [for a woman; Hispanic; Asian, etc.]” are usually uttered by people who mean well and do not understand the hurtful impact. These “Micro-insults” are especially damaging because the message is ambiguous—was that an insult? We frequently avoid addressing a micro-insult because others may accuse us of overreacting. However, leaving uncivil behavior unchecked accumulates like toxic paint fumes until the work environment becomes unbearable. So what would it mean to open the window and let in the fresh air in a workplace setting?
Letting in the fresh air requires us to…
- Name and claim the impact on us.
Dr. John Potter of Southern Methodist University devised the Feel, Felt, Find strategy for handling micro-aggressions and other incivilities. It is important to use this tactic with an attitude of curiosity and openness, not hostility. Start by asking a question, “You feel I may not speak fluent English because I look Hispanic? I’m sure other people have felt like you do. However, since you don’t know me very well, I think you will find that I grew up in Idaho and English is my first language.” Feel, Felt, Find lets us address a vague put down without attacking or getting defensive.
- Take responsibility for our feelings
One of our quickest reactions to criticism is blame. I made mistakes on the project because Bob is so annoying. He never says hello and rolls his eyes when I have an idea. This ritual complaining attempts to get sympathy from others at work, shifting the responsibility for my work performance onto Bob. Dr. Brené Brown explains, “Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain.” Blame limits our ability to problem solve and to grow relationships. When we have a problem with a boss or co-worker, its best to handle it directly with the person involved using “I” statements and explaining the impact on us. Bob, I wonder if you know how important it is for me to get this project right. If you have questions or concerns about my work, will you please discuss it with me? Rolling your eyes when I talk doesn’t give me helpful feedback.
- Examine our questions
Dr. Marilee Adams says, “Great results start with great questions” (Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, 2004). We can create a “judger” or “learner” mindset by the questions we ask. Judger mindset is reactive, inflexible, judgmental of self & others, and self-righteous. A learner mindset is flexible, accepting of self and others, and inquisitive. When we feel hot buttons pushed, we frequently ask “judger” questions such as Whose fault is this? Why is this person so clueless and frustrating? These questions lead us to negativity and despair. If your boss has you re-do work that seemed acceptable, ask some “learner” questions: Why might she want it done another way? What pressures is she facing from her boss? What am I missing here? What is important to her? A learning mindset helps us create and connect with others, immediately airing out potential toxins in the room.
Even in a difficult work environment, we have the power to choose our responses. Escaping the blame game and taking responsibility for things that impact us creates psychological fresh air. For more strategies to handle uncivil behavior at work, listen to Pattie Porter’s interview with Sharone Bar-David as they discuss her book .
Graduate Student Intern
Southern Methodist University Master’s Program Dispute Resolution & Conflict Management
I ran into a dilemma this week with a friend; I will call her Layla. I found out Layla told another friend of mine, will call him David, that I said something when I didn’t. The dilemma arose when I told my husband about the incident because I, being a non-avoider, wanted to confront her, while my husband, an avoider, thought I should let it go. My husband and I then began our on-going debate about whether avoidance is a good or bad thing in conflict.
I know from my conflict resolution education and research that the avoidance as a conflict approach is applicable in certain situations. Dale Eilerman contributor to Mediate.com cites several examples of when avoidance is okay, such as when the conflict is minor and bringing it up could affect the relationship negatively, when you want to give yourself time and space to think about a situation, or when you need to reduce angry emotions.
I have always struggled with being conflict avoidant because my default setting is to confront the situation head-on. It is challenging to ignore my feelings and let things go. My solution for most conflict is to address it … now! I have always believed that if conflict is allowed to linger, it can cause detrimental effects. So when addressing my concern to my husband, he raised a good question. If I addressed the conflict, what would it solve?
My friend, David, was not upset with me even though he might have misinterpreted what Layla told him. David also has a reputation for misunderstanding other’s information. If I confronted Layla about David’s retelling of the story, she could get upset with David for saying something to me. Finally, there was a chance that if I confronted Layla, another conflict avoider, whether she said it or not she would deny the conversation and not want to discuss it with me.
I countered my husband’s question with what could happen if I didn’t address the conflict. I felt hurt and angered by the communication. I felt my reputation with David was compromised and I needed to understand the what and why of Layla’s conversation. Did she lie? What motivated her to say that to David? If I didn’t confront Layla, those feelings would not be addressed and I could build resentment towards her.
Ultimately, I made the decision not to confront. I did so because Layla had never done anything like this before and I felt that if I confronted her it could create more conflict, not just between her and I, but she and David. So what do I do about my feelings? When you don’t acknowledge your emotions and they go unresolved resentment slowly simmers and builds. It took me a long time to learn but I could let go of my anger. I needed to recognize the anger and the motivation to confront Layla. I wanted to clear my reputation and I wanted to protect relationships too. I really had to analyze for myself and my friendships what action to take: confront or not to confront.
If you find yourself in a conflict and can’t decide whether to avoid or confront ask yourself these questions:
- What would get solved by addressing this conflict?
- What further problems could result if you addressed this conflict?
- What would be the advantages if you chose to avoid?
- If I don’t acknowledge negative feelings towards another person will it build resentment or further distance your relationship?
Conflict avoidance is a strategy and a choice to deescalate a situation or minimize negative emotions. Consistently choosing to avoid conflict because of the discomfort of addressing emotions can lead to resentment; anger and retaliation. Analyzing whether to confront or avoid is no easy task. It takes forethought to decide how it will impact relationships or outcomes. Which will you choose?
Abigail R. C. McManus M. S Negotiation and Conflict Management